To be or not to be...

It was 7:55 AM this past Monday morning when my wonderful cousin, Taylor decided to wake me up.  7:55 AM, 5 minutes before my alarm.  Monday, the day I was supposed to take Taylor to the train station so that she could get back home to San Diego.  “I have to leave a little earlier today”, Taylor said.  Little did I know what that would really entail.  Still groggy from the ‘My Sassy Girl’ viewing session that had just ended only hours before, I laid in bed for a few minutes longer until I decided to get up, at which point I progressed at a snail’s pace as I brushed my teeth and got dressed.  It was 8:30 by the time we got around to leaving—for breakfast.  You see, Taylor had to be on a 9:40 train from Union Station in downtown Los Angeles in order to make it to Oceanside by 11:00 so that her mom could pick her up. Thinking that downtown was only about 20 minutes away from Pasadena, I figured we had tons of time.  It was 8:36 when we got to Corner Bakery & Café.  It being Taylor’s first visit there and my first visit in a very long time, we didn’t know what to order.  So we spent some time mulling over the menu, finally deciding to order two bowls of Chilled Berry Almond Swiss Oatmeal, an orange juice, and a chai cappuccino from the dorky, too-happy-for-a-Monday-morning cashier.  We also spent some time arguing about how I should pay, an argument I lost.  We decided to sit outside, which took the server a couple seconds longer to find us and to give us our food.  Upon the food’s arrival, Taylor’s chai cappuccino wasn’t ready yet, so instead of eating her food right away, she went inside to check on it.  Sure enough, the cashier did have too much of an easygoing attitude, and only began preparing Taylor’s drink when she saw her.  Now the table we had been sitting at had uneven legs, causing it to wobble back and forth.  I put my foot on one leg to weigh it down, but in the middle of the meal, I accidentally lifted my foot, which resulted in Taylor’s chai cappuccino spilling on the table, and us having to clean it up.  At the end of the meal, we both realized I had forgotten to give her the movies she had wanted from my flash drive, so we opened her laptop and waited for it to boot before ultimately deciding that we’d transfer the files in the car.  It was about 9:05 when we left for the station, and with traffic lax and me thinking that we’d still get there with plenty of time to spare, I drove a little more leisurely than usual.  At 9:35 and a block away from the station I learned that she still had to print out her ticket, so I dropped her off with her bag still in my trunk.  She went to one kiosk, which failed to print her ticket, and then another, which also failed, before she went to the counter, to another easygoing person whose printer was also not working.  And if only one thing had happened differently… If that ticket kiosk had printed right away… If I had driven just a little faster… If we hadn’t waited for that laptop to boot before deciding it would take too long… If I hadn’t lifted my foot from that uneven table leg and spilled her drink… If Taylor’s drink had been prepared right away because the cashier had been attentive… If it hadn’t taken us so long to order and pay… If I hadn’t been so slow to get ready and I had been able to wake up a little earlier after a late night... then Taylor would have been on her train headed for Oceanside with her mom waiting to pick her up.  But life being what it is, a series of intersecting lines and incidents out of anyone’s control, Taylor got her ticket at 9:42 and ran for the platform, only to learn that the train had left her.

What ensued was probably one of the most stressful days I’ve ever lived through. 

PART 1

Calling my dad to get yelled at and to figure out what to do, getting gas, having my phone die, deciding to drive all the way to San Diego, picking up Amanda from school, and going back home to get my phone charger.

PART 2

Calling Taylor’s mom, who told us to just take the later train instead of drive all the way there, realizing it’d be too late to drive back to Union Station, speeding to the Fullerton station only to be late by 5 minutes, being 10 minutes early to the Irvine station, only to spend 10 minutes looking for the station on the street it was supposed to be on.  All this while getting calls from my parents who felt that it was a good time to lecture me while I was driving, and also while periodically calling or texting Josh who was on the Internet feeding us directions to the stations.

EPILOGUE

I drove all the way to Taylor’s house, eventually getting there at about 1:00 PM.  Her mom was able to get to work on time, I was able to drive a little less stressed, and my parents were a mix of disappointed and pissed off.  Hanging out for a while, I left at about 3:00 to hit traffic in Pomona (there’s just nothing positive I have to say about that city).  I got home at about 5:30 but immediately had to take Amanda to basketball practice.  I was home and lying down at 5:45, still feeling my heart beating quickly from the adrenaline binge I had gone through.  With my dad home at 6:00, he had me pull weeds in the front for two hours, and has since had me doing manual labor around the house all week.  I got lectured and got yelled at about responsibility and unnecessary gas and bad impressions and how this always happens and how my time management needs to improve.  I understand, it was my fault alone, but I had heard all this while I was driving.  Hearing it again at the dinner table was just overkill.  Actually, if you want to talk about excess and overkill, in addition to the manual labor, I’m now not allowed to sleep in past 8AM and for some reason they’re not allowing me to play in my basketball game this Sunday.  They’re all consequences, but I’ll get through, I don’t care.  I screwed up and I did what I had to do—there was no other way around it.

Overall, I loved Taylor’s visit; we had a ton of fun.  Thursday, Venice Beach with Gianina by day, ‘Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind’ at night.  Friday, bowling in the afternoon, family party at night.  Saturday, the Funk Rumble Block Party in Chinatown, ‘Public Enemies’ at the Americana with Josh, and a visit to a nice view.  Sunday, my back-to-back basketball games, and then night swimming, stargazing, and ‘My Sassy Girl’.  Ahh, the difference a car makes.  It was also just really good for me to have Taylor around to talk to.  I have to admit, I had been feeling a little lonely and lost without purpose for a while, and even though those feelings haven’t really gone away, it was good to get away from it all while also being able to talk about it with someone as intelligent and contemplative as Taylor.  Here’s to the best cousin ever, and to one of the most amazing people I know.  Hopefully your next visit is as Ethiopian utopian as this one! :)

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ahh, blog world.  It's been a while now, hasn't it? Yeah, it's been more than 2 months.  Well, let me go ahead and highlight what's gone on this past April, May, and June...

the start of the spring quarter... getting cesar chavez day off on a random tuesday and going to Victoria Gardens that day for the last day before the tax increase...working at the bookstore again...the end of Ice Water's season...parent's 22nd anniversary...Easter... trip to Irvine and the cute girl in the red Nissan Versa...Meeting Hwiram and dominating everyone but Gianina in Street Fighter (she got lucky)... Korean food, Guppy's, IT'S DE BYEST... boba/pho/korean bbq/chinese food outings with Stephen, Allyson, Jesse, Andy, and once even Leah.... Andrew's birthday...Andy's birthday...doing my informative speech on the History of the Joker...gaining weight and working out...doing well in all my classes...a trip to New York...prom...the end of the spring quarter...getting stupidly addicted to The Sims 3... packing up/moving out for the start of summer...Inside Moves Basketball...my birthday...the Lakers winning the 2009 NBA Championship!

movies recently watched; 17 Again, Monsters vs. Aliens 3D, Sweeney Todd:The Demon Barber of Fleet Street, X-men Origins: Wolverine, Slumdog Millionaire, Rocky Balboa, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, In Bruges, Kobe Doin' Work(?), Up 3D, Twilight, Cloverfield, Seven Pounds, Star Trek, The Hangover, Terminator Salvation.

Movie Notes...

17 Again would have been better if girls weren't screaming at the screen every time Efron came on. That Sweeney Todd musical's soundtrack was stuck in our heads for a week.  i really liked Wolverine.  It wasn't as good as i had anticipated, but it was pretty good.  Wolverine's my favorite from the Marvel world; Batman's my guy overall.  I find that interesting.... both characters kinda have that haunted past thing that drives them.... do i relate with those characters? Slumdog Millionaire proves that sometimes, you just...win.   Eternal Sunshine etc. is an amazing, trippy, but really good movie.  I actually really enjoyed Kobe Doin' Work, despite all the criticisms that i agree with.  It gave me an insight into the NBA that i've just never thought about before.  Firstly, in the NBA, you can't really stop people.  Secondly, with all the tape out there, you pretty much know everyone's plays already, it's about executing your plays and your options despite what happens.  Up in 3D was really cool. Twilight and Cloverfield are underrated, but i totally see why people think they suck.  watching the Hangover on my birthday was soooo funny.  Terminator Salvation, despite my mom not liking it, was really cool.

i knew something like this would happen, so i guess i can only really talk about what's happened recently....

For two weeks in the spring quarter I....

ate like a monster.  I read online that to gain weight, i had to eat 5,000 calories per day.  I had tried earlier in the year to eat healthy and gain weight... it doesn't work.  my metabolism's simply way too fast.  So I ate every meal at the buffet Commons until i was full.  i usually don't eat till i'm full, probably because my taste buds suck and i get bored of food quickly... but this time i forced myself to eat... and when i was full, i kept eating.  and it worked.  in the first week of this diet, i gained 7 pounds.  the next week, i gained 5.  I went from weighing 150 to 162.  But i stopped after that... before reaching my goal of 170...  i...uh, started to develop a belly... haha.  those lower abs, the ones that are the hardest to cut up, the ones which i've been working hard on for YEARS, had gone away.  oooh, and don't get me wrong, i ate a ton but worked out EVERY DAY.  so now, it's really all 12 pounds of muscle. and since coming off the diet, those lower abs, though somewhat diminished, have returned.

New York was...

Indescribable.  It was everything i wanted it to be, and it's a good thing i didn't choose to visit Fordham when i got in.  I knew that if we had simply visited, I would've wanted to go right away, and i was right.  I love the city life.  I just like the culture around NY... people seem smarter, iono.  The nightlife is amazing... I stayed in California because of the friends and the weather, but with how this year has gone, i feel like i could've been really happy over there... c'mon, Cali... one more chance. We visited the Statue of Liberty, saw a really good Broadway play called, Next to Normal, went to Forhdham for Jared's graduation, went shopping on 5th avenue, went around central park... akk, i loved it.  I missed the wide skies and palm trees here, but i gotta admit, i really do miss the buildings and taxis.

I'm happy that...

I made Joanne happy at her prom.  That's all i have to say about that.

My birthday...

Went really well, relaxed and all.  after going through a final and a speech, we went on to BJ's for dinner and then watched The Hangover.  Leah took an hour drive to visit, which was just thee sweetest thing.  Afterwards, anticipating moving back home and after fooling around with the Sims, we packed up.  Little did i know it would take until 6 in the morning.... haha. you don't realize how much stuff you've accumulated through the year until you have to fit it into your car.  So we stayed up the whole night, sleeping at 6... we put a condom on my RA's door with a squirt of lotion in it... hahahahaha.  But overall, it was a great birthday.  You know how people always ask you on your birthday, "how does it feel like being __ years old?" and you reply with, "feels the same" or something like that... Well, this year's the first year where i actually feel older.  It might be a mix of feelings with the end of my first year of college, but i feel older, mentally and physically.  I went to the gym nearly every day.  I participated in the first basketball team i've been on since my junior year in high school.  I've learned what my body can and can't do.  So physically, i feel older.  Maturity wise, wIth all that has gone on this year, i think that i had to mature, and subconsciously, i definitely did so.  the 6-month-ago-Brian is so different from the now, new and improved Brian. 19, here we go.

The school year....

has come and gone, and my what an amazing year it's been. I comitted myself to getting straight As in the last quarter (which is why you haven't seen me on here), and i've managed 3 As and a B+. Argh... the B+ class was upper division and it was pretty hard, but still, i shouldn't have gotten a B+.... Anyways, I'll save specifics for later, but it's been an awesome experience of growth.  Through all the ups and downs, the independence has allowed me to find myself.  It's a shame that i couldn't know what i know now, back then.  Read that a couple of times, you'll get it.

The Sims 3...

is seriously sooo stupid addicting.  damn its goal oriented nature and endless challenges.  that's what i'm all about!  Stallyphon had to pay for their cd rom from Target.... i got mine for free by other means... hahaha

Inside Moves Basketball....

is exactly what i've needed.  As of now, we're undefeated, and i've scored a TOTAL of 5 points in 3 games!  Like, there's no NEED for me to score, and yet we're winning! It's a beautiful thing, and i haven't been on any team like it. my scoring's been off with my weightlifting, but it's coming back, so we're gonna be even better!   Plus, the teams against us are bigger, older, more athletic, while i'm the oldest guy on our team. i'm a little outta position, playing down low for the first time ever, but hey, whatever brings the victories.  Having a coach makes a ton of a difference, and he being my godfather makes it all the more sweet.  Look out for Inside Moves at Nogales High School on Sundays!

The Lakers...

winning the championship is sooo well deserved.  It's strange to think they haven't won it in 7 years when i remember like yesterday Kobe jumping on Shaq's shoulders and pumping his fist.  I've never seen Kobe as happy as he was from this chip though, that smile as the final seconds went off was just soooo, wow.  They've had a ton of ups and downs, and they have finally come out as the last team standing.  big ups to Fisher.  I see Adam Morrison getting drenched in champagne in his suit.  Sun Yue too! haha, I feel proud to be a diehard Laker fan.

Quotes of the Months:

"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done!"

~Rocky Balboa

This song, stupid and super catchy, has been in my mind for the past 3 months, hahaha. check it out.

My very first college spring break began Wednesday, March 18th, while most of the rest of Cal Poly still had finals.  It was nice to finally catch up on some sleep and just chill at home.

Sunday, the 22nd, my Dad participated in the the bike portion of the very first ever Pasadena Marathon! He just cruised, not really biking to beat a time or anything, but 26 miles is still a long way! Afterwards, we celebrated at our house with a little barbecue, which was also for Amanda's 15th birthday!

Monday, March 23rd, my sister turned 15 years old!  Gahh, I love my sister to death.  I know I haven't always been there for her, and quite frankly, I know there have been times when I've been just straight up mean.  But I hope she knows how much I really do love and care about her.

Tuesday... argh, as much as I don't really wanna describe it, here goes.  So I visited USC for a very useless Transfer Information Session.  Thanks for telling me things that are already pretty much explained on the website.  Ugh, I was so stupid late, thank God for Robert Siegel, thank God he was free at the time I called him, and thank God he knew what building to take me to when I was sooo lost on that campus.  I haven't seen Siegs since graduation!!!  I got a text from Jezreel, and he helped to show me around, along with Big Al Ortega!!! I haven't spent time with Big Al since middle school at Occidental basketball camp!  Also bumped into Paul Goulding!  Paul will always be Paul, haha.  Well, what can I say?  USC's awesome...  It's everything I knew it was and more.  Furthermore, it's leaps and bounds better than Cal Poly.   Like 3,000,000 times better.  Like if Cal Poly was airplane food, USC's pretty much a world renown, five-star restaurant with top of the line chefs and great looking waitresses.  As I was walking around, however, I had this weird, omnipresent feeling looming over me.  I felt like I should have been there in the first place.  I shouldn't be walking around getting to know the campus, touring like I already had done in high school.  I felt like I should have been there already--taking classes, hanging with friends...  It made me bitter.  The transfer process will suck if I try.  My 5 AP classes won't count for any GEs, and all the classes I've taken so far won't count either, so I'll pretty much be losing at least a year.  Then, to take classes that will transfer over, I'll be taking classes that I don't have to take at Cal Poly--wasting yet another half a year.  What a dilemma... There are times when what is best for you must be put ahead of what you want.  Hmm, what if what I want is actually what's best for me?

I drove to my 6:00 game afterwards, of course getting in stupid, ridiculous, hour-and-a-half traffic on the 10 freeway.  I got there with two minutes left and we were down by four.  I stupidly subbed in and we ended up losing by eleven.  Tsk tsk... It may have not entirely been my fault... But I sure put that pressure on myself.  I had been playing basketball everyday all week just to play well in this game... and here I felt like the reason why we lost...

Afterwards, we all went to Shakey's where Leah... eventually met up with us. Then, due to a miscommunication, I had to drive her back to Fullerton.  I screwed up soooo bad.  I thought for some reason that she lived close by!!!  I then went home late to a furious dad who yelled at me about being inconsiderate making him wait up like that...

Wednesday, I went out to lunch with Eunice and Vincent at Afloat Sushi in Old Town Pasadena!  I took the train there, just nearby, knowing it'd be cheaper than parking.  It really helped to get my mind back to its center, even if I only rode it for 3 stops.  I took that same train for 4 years in high school, man.  It's amazing how I hated it yet grew so emotionally mature from it, just having that time to think.  The sushi floating by on boats... Eunice underestimating her bill... walking around Old Town in PERFECT weather... Pinkberry for just my second time ever... Reading the funny books at Urban Outfitters... Ahh, a good day.  I missed them two so much, and I hadn't talked to Eunice in months!

Friday, after picking up my mom from the airport, I went with Josh first to Taco Spot for some *thumbs up* Carne Asada Fries, and then we eventually met up with Gianina and her friends, Wendy, Genie, and Angelica.  I didn't know Gianina HAD that many girl friends... haha, jkjk.  Walked around the Americana with them, where a very interesting somebody had waited for me outside of Urban Outfitters to meet me... hehe, we'll see... she's...  Anyways, we went to watch 'I Love You, Man', which was actually really really funny, much better than I had expected!  Dinner at Island's... free Pinkberry because Wendy worked there... and then actually not getting in trouble this time when I came home late!  Hooray!

Saturday, after basketball practice and missing the Cal Poly basketball game (they were an unranked team that went all the way to the Division II NCAA National Championship, only to lose by a buzzer beater three pointer), I hung out with my family, watched 'Duplicity', which was actually just okay.  In the previews, they make it seem like it's some fast-paced, witty, espionage romantic comedy... It's kinda just one long story dragged out...

Ahh, over all, it was a pretty good Spring Break.  Certain liberties were naturally gone because I was home, but still.  It was very very restful.  I also got to catch up on Heroes and I played A LOT of basketball.  Ooh, I also got to read Watchmen, which I really enjoyed.  It was a very cynical way of looking at the world, which I found very interesting.  Now, I can't wait to see the movie! 

I'm back with a vengeance this quarter.  As a 'fuck you' to Cal Poly, to Loyola, to all the schools I should have gotten in to, I swear to get straight A's this quarter.  I'm giving it my all, no matter what it takes.  Screw a social life if I have to.  Fuck it.  I feel like this whole year I've been getting beat by an opponent I know that I'm better than.  I suppose there comes a point when you're tired of getting beat up, and even if you're losing and know that you will lose, you give it everything you've got in just one final push...

Quotes of the Week:

"Will: My father was an alcoholic. Mean fuckin' drunk. Used to come home hammered, looking to whale on someone. So I had to provoke him, so he wouldn't go after my mother and little brother. Interesting nights were when he wore his rings... He used to just put a belt, a stick, and a wrench on the kitchen table and say, "Choose." 
Sean:Well, I gotta go with the belt there. 

Will: I used to go with the wrench. 

Sean: Why? 
Will: Cause fuck him, that's why."

~Good WIll Hunting

"The streets are extended gutters and the gutters are full of blood and when the drains finally scab over, all the vermin will drown.:

The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout "Save Us!"...:

...and I'll look down, and whisper, "No""

~Rorschach, Watchmen

I've come to the conclusion that my weekly updates are stupid.  I knew this day would eventually come.  But honestly, what exactly am I doing?  What am I trying to prove by talking about what I've done in the past week?  Who am I proving it to?  For those of you who've read my first post, this is just me hating the idea of expressing myself like this.  I'll probably eat my words and have another post later this week...I have to remind myself.... I'm doing this so that I could look back on it years from now and laugh... Gah, this is all so stupid.

I couldn't sleep Tuesday night.  I was physically pretty tired... Touring USC, getting caught in frustrating traffic, "playing" for 5 minutes, driving to Fullerton, hints of a headache... But I couldn't sleep... And it's all because of a word I kept seeing in my mind; the word, 'EXPECTATIONS'.

"Shoot for the moon.  Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars," reads a poster from my 8th grade English class.  It sounds silly, but that really captures how I've lived my life.  I've always strived for the best, knowing it would be okay to achieve somewhere close to the top. But now that I look back on what I've done, I don't feel like I've ever landed anywhere near the top.  In fact, I feel like I've shot for the moon so many times and all I've done is crash into asteroids.  I feel as though I've strived for the best and yet all I've achieved is mediocrity.  And I'm afraid at the thought, what if that's all I'll ever achieve?  What if mediocre is all I'll ever be?

The expectations from my parents and my family are tremendous.  Maybe it's just in my mind... maybe I just pressure myself... But I'm looked at as the nephew who's sure to do well.  I've always been seen as the humble, 'mabaet' kid who continues to excel at both academics and athletics.  In some ways, they look at me like they've given me everything I could possibly want. With all the resources at my fingertips, how could I not succeed?  I'm constantly reminded of how they had all these humble beginnings and still succeeded.  I'm already a step ahead... I should succeed pretty easily, right?

In my mind, I'm failing.  I feel that I haven't come close to the expectations set for me so far.  I can't help but wonder... What if I never come close to the expectations that are set for my future?  I fear a day ten years from now, when I'll look back on my life's expectations only to see that I haven't fulfilled a single one.  I fear that I'll look back and think about how I could've, would've, and should've been great.  I fear this day more than anything; and the sad part is, this is reality for so many people.  I understand why so many middle-aged men turn to alcoholism--the physical burn is much easier to deal with than the emotional pain of realizing that you've amounted to nothing.  This day isn't supposed to come for me.  But what if it does?  What if I continue to fail?

I find myself constantly thinking back to my life in 8th grade.  Things were not easy--there were still numerous stresses and worries... But for some reason, I was the happiest guy I've ever been.  I just seemed to meet every expectation.  From school work, to teachers, to students, to girls, to sports, I just kept landing on the moon.  There are times when I'm driving by myself, or taking a shower, when I'm lost in thought... and all of a sudden I just burst out laughing.  I just think, how did my life turn out this badly?  Did I do something to deserve this?  Does someone upstairs have it out for me?  Am I supposed to learn some great lesson out of all of this?  I suppose there comes a point when you're tired of being sad about your situation, and you're tired of being angry at the world  for the life you've had to live.  "At which point you realize, life is but a joke, and the laugh's on you."  There's nothing else you can do but laugh at how unfair to you life has become.  Although only somewhat related, I'm reminded of a quote by the Joker from Alan Moore's graphic novel, Batman: The Killing Joke.  The Joker exclaims:

"Memories can be vile, repulsive little brutes...But can we live without them?  Memories are what our reason is based upon.  If we can't face them, we deny reason itself!  Although, why not? We aren't contractually tied down to rationality!  There is no sanity clause!  So when you find yourself locked onto an unpleasant train of thought, heading for the places in your past where the screaming is unbearable, remember there's always madness.  Madness is the emergency exit..."

Does life really have a way of working itself out; or do you just discard your desires you have for something better and learn to become satisfied with what you have?

What do you give a man who has everything he could ever ask for?  What do I want?  A school I can feel proud of?  A girl who cares about me the same way I would care for her?  Parents who aren't so overprotective?  At this juncture in my life, sure, I want all of these things.  But in the overall scheme of things... I just want to win.  All I've ever wanted is to succeed.  Is this because I've always felt like I'm losing?  Yes.  For all the things I've wanted at certain junctures in my life, I feel like I've fought uphill battles with all of them, only to get knocked back down to the bottom of the hill.  Sure, I fear that failure; but I don't fear failure as much as I fear accepting failure and not doing anything about it.  I've been losing all my life; what if one day, discouraged, and defeated, I discard the desire to strive for the best?  To tell you the truth, I'm already beginning to lose faith in myself... and losing it completely is what I fear most.

Who I'm expected to be, who I want to be, who I've been, and who I am.  These four characters have always been in conflict with each other my entire life.  I've kept a consistent positive attitude through it all, which is why I don't let this get to me.  My life is awesome right now.  There's just some times when I look at the big picture, and things didn't come out like I wanted them to...  But I'll never talk about this with anyone.  It just seems so petty to me.  Of course everyone has expectations, and of course everyone wants to succeed!  There are people who are going through much more serious problems than mine.  Complaining about what I want like this feels so childish to me.  Still, these thoughts linger in the back of my mind constantly, and they've really come to the forefront this year.  There were so many things that were supposed to work out...  Tuesday was just one of those days.  Not only did I have some personal let downs, but I also felt like I let down so many people...  Tuesday night was just one of those nights when these thoughts screamed out at me the loudest...

Quote of the Day:

"I think I'd be more emo about it if I wasn't such a social butterfly."  ~Krizia Leah Apelar