To be or not to be...

My very first college spring break began Wednesday, March 18th, while most of the rest of Cal Poly still had finals.  It was nice to finally catch up on some sleep and just chill at home.

Sunday, the 22nd, my Dad participated in the the bike portion of the very first ever Pasadena Marathon! He just cruised, not really biking to beat a time or anything, but 26 miles is still a long way! Afterwards, we celebrated at our house with a little barbecue, which was also for Amanda's 15th birthday!

Monday, March 23rd, my sister turned 15 years old!  Gahh, I love my sister to death.  I know I haven't always been there for her, and quite frankly, I know there have been times when I've been just straight up mean.  But I hope she knows how much I really do love and care about her.

Tuesday... argh, as much as I don't really wanna describe it, here goes.  So I visited USC for a very useless Transfer Information Session.  Thanks for telling me things that are already pretty much explained on the website.  Ugh, I was so stupid late, thank God for Robert Siegel, thank God he was free at the time I called him, and thank God he knew what building to take me to when I was sooo lost on that campus.  I haven't seen Siegs since graduation!!!  I got a text from Jezreel, and he helped to show me around, along with Big Al Ortega!!! I haven't spent time with Big Al since middle school at Occidental basketball camp!  Also bumped into Paul Goulding!  Paul will always be Paul, haha.  Well, what can I say?  USC's awesome...  It's everything I knew it was and more.  Furthermore, it's leaps and bounds better than Cal Poly.   Like 3,000,000 times better.  Like if Cal Poly was airplane food, USC's pretty much a world renown, five-star restaurant with top of the line chefs and great looking waitresses.  As I was walking around, however, I had this weird, omnipresent feeling looming over me.  I felt like I should have been there in the first place.  I shouldn't be walking around getting to know the campus, touring like I already had done in high school.  I felt like I should have been there already--taking classes, hanging with friends...  It made me bitter.  The transfer process will suck if I try.  My 5 AP classes won't count for any GEs, and all the classes I've taken so far won't count either, so I'll pretty much be losing at least a year.  Then, to take classes that will transfer over, I'll be taking classes that I don't have to take at Cal Poly--wasting yet another half a year.  What a dilemma... There are times when what is best for you must be put ahead of what you want.  Hmm, what if what I want is actually what's best for me?

I drove to my 6:00 game afterwards, of course getting in stupid, ridiculous, hour-and-a-half traffic on the 10 freeway.  I got there with two minutes left and we were down by four.  I stupidly subbed in and we ended up losing by eleven.  Tsk tsk... It may have not entirely been my fault... But I sure put that pressure on myself.  I had been playing basketball everyday all week just to play well in this game... and here I felt like the reason why we lost...

Afterwards, we all went to Shakey's where Leah... eventually met up with us. Then, due to a miscommunication, I had to drive her back to Fullerton.  I screwed up soooo bad.  I thought for some reason that she lived close by!!!  I then went home late to a furious dad who yelled at me about being inconsiderate making him wait up like that...

Wednesday, I went out to lunch with Eunice and Vincent at Afloat Sushi in Old Town Pasadena!  I took the train there, just nearby, knowing it'd be cheaper than parking.  It really helped to get my mind back to its center, even if I only rode it for 3 stops.  I took that same train for 4 years in high school, man.  It's amazing how I hated it yet grew so emotionally mature from it, just having that time to think.  The sushi floating by on boats... Eunice underestimating her bill... walking around Old Town in PERFECT weather... Pinkberry for just my second time ever... Reading the funny books at Urban Outfitters... Ahh, a good day.  I missed them two so much, and I hadn't talked to Eunice in months!

Friday, after picking up my mom from the airport, I went with Josh first to Taco Spot for some *thumbs up* Carne Asada Fries, and then we eventually met up with Gianina and her friends, Wendy, Genie, and Angelica.  I didn't know Gianina HAD that many girl friends... haha, jkjk.  Walked around the Americana with them, where a very interesting somebody had waited for me outside of Urban Outfitters to meet me... hehe, we'll see... she's...  Anyways, we went to watch 'I Love You, Man', which was actually really really funny, much better than I had expected!  Dinner at Island's... free Pinkberry because Wendy worked there... and then actually not getting in trouble this time when I came home late!  Hooray!

Saturday, after basketball practice and missing the Cal Poly basketball game (they were an unranked team that went all the way to the Division II NCAA National Championship, only to lose by a buzzer beater three pointer), I hung out with my family, watched 'Duplicity', which was actually just okay.  In the previews, they make it seem like it's some fast-paced, witty, espionage romantic comedy... It's kinda just one long story dragged out...

Ahh, over all, it was a pretty good Spring Break.  Certain liberties were naturally gone because I was home, but still.  It was very very restful.  I also got to catch up on Heroes and I played A LOT of basketball.  Ooh, I also got to read Watchmen, which I really enjoyed.  It was a very cynical way of looking at the world, which I found very interesting.  Now, I can't wait to see the movie! 

I'm back with a vengeance this quarter.  As a 'fuck you' to Cal Poly, to Loyola, to all the schools I should have gotten in to, I swear to get straight A's this quarter.  I'm giving it my all, no matter what it takes.  Screw a social life if I have to.  Fuck it.  I feel like this whole year I've been getting beat by an opponent I know that I'm better than.  I suppose there comes a point when you're tired of getting beat up, and even if you're losing and know that you will lose, you give it everything you've got in just one final push...

Quotes of the Week:

"Will: My father was an alcoholic. Mean fuckin' drunk. Used to come home hammered, looking to whale on someone. So I had to provoke him, so he wouldn't go after my mother and little brother. Interesting nights were when he wore his rings... He used to just put a belt, a stick, and a wrench on the kitchen table and say, "Choose." 
Sean:Well, I gotta go with the belt there. 

Will: I used to go with the wrench. 

Sean: Why? 
Will: Cause fuck him, that's why."

~Good WIll Hunting

"The streets are extended gutters and the gutters are full of blood and when the drains finally scab over, all the vermin will drown.:

The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout "Save Us!"...:

...and I'll look down, and whisper, "No""

~Rorschach, Watchmen

I've come to the conclusion that my weekly updates are stupid.  I knew this day would eventually come.  But honestly, what exactly am I doing?  What am I trying to prove by talking about what I've done in the past week?  Who am I proving it to?  For those of you who've read my first post, this is just me hating the idea of expressing myself like this.  I'll probably eat my words and have another post later this week...I have to remind myself.... I'm doing this so that I could look back on it years from now and laugh... Gah, this is all so stupid.

I couldn't sleep Tuesday night.  I was physically pretty tired... Touring USC, getting caught in frustrating traffic, "playing" for 5 minutes, driving to Fullerton, hints of a headache... But I couldn't sleep... And it's all because of a word I kept seeing in my mind; the word, 'EXPECTATIONS'.

"Shoot for the moon.  Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars," reads a poster from my 8th grade English class.  It sounds silly, but that really captures how I've lived my life.  I've always strived for the best, knowing it would be okay to achieve somewhere close to the top. But now that I look back on what I've done, I don't feel like I've ever landed anywhere near the top.  In fact, I feel like I've shot for the moon so many times and all I've done is crash into asteroids.  I feel as though I've strived for the best and yet all I've achieved is mediocrity.  And I'm afraid at the thought, what if that's all I'll ever achieve?  What if mediocre is all I'll ever be?

The expectations from my parents and my family are tremendous.  Maybe it's just in my mind... maybe I just pressure myself... But I'm looked at as the nephew who's sure to do well.  I've always been seen as the humble, 'mabaet' kid who continues to excel at both academics and athletics.  In some ways, they look at me like they've given me everything I could possibly want. With all the resources at my fingertips, how could I not succeed?  I'm constantly reminded of how they had all these humble beginnings and still succeeded.  I'm already a step ahead... I should succeed pretty easily, right?

In my mind, I'm failing.  I feel that I haven't come close to the expectations set for me so far.  I can't help but wonder... What if I never come close to the expectations that are set for my future?  I fear a day ten years from now, when I'll look back on my life's expectations only to see that I haven't fulfilled a single one.  I fear that I'll look back and think about how I could've, would've, and should've been great.  I fear this day more than anything; and the sad part is, this is reality for so many people.  I understand why so many middle-aged men turn to alcoholism--the physical burn is much easier to deal with than the emotional pain of realizing that you've amounted to nothing.  This day isn't supposed to come for me.  But what if it does?  What if I continue to fail?

I find myself constantly thinking back to my life in 8th grade.  Things were not easy--there were still numerous stresses and worries... But for some reason, I was the happiest guy I've ever been.  I just seemed to meet every expectation.  From school work, to teachers, to students, to girls, to sports, I just kept landing on the moon.  There are times when I'm driving by myself, or taking a shower, when I'm lost in thought... and all of a sudden I just burst out laughing.  I just think, how did my life turn out this badly?  Did I do something to deserve this?  Does someone upstairs have it out for me?  Am I supposed to learn some great lesson out of all of this?  I suppose there comes a point when you're tired of being sad about your situation, and you're tired of being angry at the world  for the life you've had to live.  "At which point you realize, life is but a joke, and the laugh's on you."  There's nothing else you can do but laugh at how unfair to you life has become.  Although only somewhat related, I'm reminded of a quote by the Joker from Alan Moore's graphic novel, Batman: The Killing Joke.  The Joker exclaims:

"Memories can be vile, repulsive little brutes...But can we live without them?  Memories are what our reason is based upon.  If we can't face them, we deny reason itself!  Although, why not? We aren't contractually tied down to rationality!  There is no sanity clause!  So when you find yourself locked onto an unpleasant train of thought, heading for the places in your past where the screaming is unbearable, remember there's always madness.  Madness is the emergency exit..."

Does life really have a way of working itself out; or do you just discard your desires you have for something better and learn to become satisfied with what you have?

What do you give a man who has everything he could ever ask for?  What do I want?  A school I can feel proud of?  A girl who cares about me the same way I would care for her?  Parents who aren't so overprotective?  At this juncture in my life, sure, I want all of these things.  But in the overall scheme of things... I just want to win.  All I've ever wanted is to succeed.  Is this because I've always felt like I'm losing?  Yes.  For all the things I've wanted at certain junctures in my life, I feel like I've fought uphill battles with all of them, only to get knocked back down to the bottom of the hill.  Sure, I fear that failure; but I don't fear failure as much as I fear accepting failure and not doing anything about it.  I've been losing all my life; what if one day, discouraged, and defeated, I discard the desire to strive for the best?  To tell you the truth, I'm already beginning to lose faith in myself... and losing it completely is what I fear most.

Who I'm expected to be, who I want to be, who I've been, and who I am.  These four characters have always been in conflict with each other my entire life.  I've kept a consistent positive attitude through it all, which is why I don't let this get to me.  My life is awesome right now.  There's just some times when I look at the big picture, and things didn't come out like I wanted them to...  But I'll never talk about this with anyone.  It just seems so petty to me.  Of course everyone has expectations, and of course everyone wants to succeed!  There are people who are going through much more serious problems than mine.  Complaining about what I want like this feels so childish to me.  Still, these thoughts linger in the back of my mind constantly, and they've really come to the forefront this year.  There were so many things that were supposed to work out...  Tuesday was just one of those days.  Not only did I have some personal let downs, but I also felt like I let down so many people...  Tuesday night was just one of those nights when these thoughts screamed out at me the loudest...

Quote of the Day:

"I think I'd be more emo about it if I wasn't such a social butterfly."  ~Krizia Leah Apelar

Tuesday brought another loss for team Ice Water, just when we had gotten on a two game winning streak.  It sucked... We were better than the other team, we just didn't show it.  Jesse, Stephen, Allyson, and Andrew went to the game, however, which was really really cool.  We went to In-N-Out afterwards, where I learned that 5-hour energy, a basketball game, a burger, and a strawberry shake just don't mix well.  More on 5-hour energy later.  That Tuesday night was the first all nighter I have ever pulled in my entire life!!!  I've been close, but I usually either fall asleep doing what I'm doing, or I decide to nap for half an hour.  'Twas all for a stupid powerpoint presentation and a test the next day at 8AM.

Wednesday.  I aced the exam, slept for half an hour in my 9:15 class, and then slept another half hour afterwards on one of the tables outside of Panda Express.  It was weird though, I dreamt while I slept.  

Usually you sleep in class and it doesn't mean anything, but I knocked out and woke up thinking I had been in my bed all along.  After presenting in class and finishing up at 4 or so, I went back to my dorm and got the true sleep I needed.  Andrew woke me up just in time to leave for a night out at UCLA.  My, what a night it was.   I met a bunch of the Glen A. WIlson High School people, who were so much fun to be around.  *sigh*, a co-ed high school would have been so much more fun.  Candace was excellent with her violin; I've never seen an orchestra like that! We walked around meeting up with more people, finally got (free) food (I hadn't eaten since after my exam!), and Stephen and I got to witness a mini-reunion!  

After being around UCLA like that, and after a good talk with Kathleen when I got back, I finally knew for sure what I wanted to do.  I have decided that I'm going to do what ever it takes to transfer.  I was unsure for the longest time, thinking that it'd be such a hassle, and that maybe it's just an illusion, maybe the grass is just greener on the other side.  But after that night, I knew that Cal Poly just hasn't been a good fit for me.  Hence, a knew segment to my blog: Reasons I Should Transfer!  There's honestly no single reason, it's all just a cluster of ideas that took two quarters to get to me.

Reason #19 Why I Should Transfer

Cal Poly's supposed to be one of the top architecture schools in California, yet the buildings are built by the engineers!

Stephen and I discussed this while we were at UCLA.  Their lighting, walkways, and just overall buildings' structural shapes and designs are just so nice.  Cal Poly's buildings are straightforward bricks and cubes.  It's definitely a low reason on the list, one that anyone could easily get over, but hey, it's still a reason.

Thursday night, Stephen, Allyson, Andrew, and I finally satisfied the Pho craving they've been having for months, haha.  We were supposed to get some Tuesday, AND Wednesday too, but it didn't work out.  Ahh, that was good.

Friday and Saturday, I went home, but came back Saturday night to get geared up for finals.  That Saturday night, Jesse, Stephen and I hung out in his room, until we got hungry at about 2 in the morning.  We looked up 24 hour food places around the area, and found that there are none besides Alberto's, but we were getting tired of them.  We decided to try this place called "Tacos Jalisco's", which was ranked as the number one restaurant in all of Pomona.  So Jesse drove, or rather, weaved through lanes, until we got there.  It was in one of thee SHADIEST places in Pomona, and the whole restaurant was packed (this is at 3 in the morning, mind you).  OMG it was sooo good though.  Definitely some of the best Mexican food I've ever had.

Sunday, we spent all day "studying" in our room, until we realized none of us had gotten much done, well, other than...

hehehe...We went to eat Sam Woo chinese food that night, and we also got some interesting buy-one-get-one boba that tasted more like tea than milk tea.  STUDY STUDY STUDY!

Monday, after getting my final over with, I slept.  Woke up for more studying after dinner.  Library, free hot chocolate at the BSC after midnight (from a very flirtatious-with-me girl, and a guy hitting on Allyson), long boarding, throwing a "ball" at Stephen, studying in Allyon's dorm.  We had a very interesting talk that night about how none of us can picture each other getting married in like 5-10 years.  It's gonna happen though (right?).  Crazy.  Stephen really said what had been in the back of my mind for a while now.  Think about this: at 18 years of age, the relationships you have now could actually be with the one you marry....seriously, we're getting up there in age, people.  We're actually old enough!

5-HOUR ENERGY, AKA THE ELIXIR OF LIFE, is bad for you.  Contrary to whatever people may tell you, it's bad for you.  I can't exactly explain why, but it just is.  Sure, there's no sugar, no jitters, no crash, and it really does work, but there's something about it that just chemically screws you up.  It's just unusual for your body.

I used it to stay up to study for finals, and it's just a weird feeling.  I tried to go to sleep at about 4:30am Sunday night, and it almost felt like I didn't sleep at all; I just closed my eyes for a long time.  I had the same feeling Monday night when I tried sleeping at 4 and "waking" at 5:30.  Man, finals sucked.  I'm pretty sure I did well, but iono. That 7AM final on Tuesday was brutal.  Needless to say, I went back to sleep, and actually slept from 9 to 4.  

That Tuesday, I bumped into/had a chance to have a good talk with Pia!!! Great to see you again, girl!  That night Team Ice Water had another game... I have to say that that was one of thee most frustrating basketball games I've ever played in.  Not only did I (over-dramatically) hurt my right ankle AGAIN, but I felt disrespected.  Our team as a whole just didn't work hard enough, either.... I felt my ankle pop, man. It wasn't just the muscle this time, it didn't feel like a normal roll.  I'm pretty sure the bone popped out or was on its way to pop out.  I freaked out!  It still hurts a bit, but I'll be fine... The high top shoes/ankle brace saved me.

So now I'm on Spring Break!!! I'm so glad I'm back to my normal sleeping habits.  My nocturnal ways were just not working for my body.  The possibilities of break excite me!  I'll let you guys know!

Ahh, such a great week.  Thanks in most part to ANDREW, JESSE, STEPHEN, AND ALLYSON!!! 

and... hehe, thanks to Michael Baluyot for Photoshop!

And of course, how could I forget the wonderful Leah Apelar for our first-of-many long talks.  Thanks so much for listening!  I'll always be here for you.  We and our Lonely Hearts Club Band, haha, we'll get through this.

Quote(s) of the Day (Week):

"To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia--to mistake an ordinary young man for a Greek god or an ordinary young woman for a goddess."  ~H.L. Mencken

haha, I heard it from Mel and liked it so much that I wrote it down in my notebook before falling asleep in front of Panda.

"If love had a texture, it would be Boba."    ~Stephen Rivas

SO true, just think about it.  A deceptively hard exterior, but a soft, sweet core.  Mushy and chewy, but fun to be around anyway.  Not to mention it can survive in almost any rough liquids. :)

"Don't make her wait for you, even if you know she would"   ~The away message of this girl who had a crush on me my sophomore year...while she was a senior... 

I find it most interesting that we can literally take decades of schooling, learning both physical and mental processes that are so easy to forget if they're not practiced.  But in matters of learning from relationships, there are things you will never forget...

Damn, this is what I get for not updating this throughout the week... One long post again... and they're not as thoughtful as I'd like them to be... more of, what I've done lately.  I'll work on this, I promise.

THANKS TO Chris Medina, Allyson Yee, and Leah Apelar, the unseen followers of my blog!!!

What I'm about to write about deals with an inner self-conflict I've dealt with for a pretty long time.  I don't care about what you have to say about it, it's MY BLOG.  But to put this issue in ways people can easily understand, I've used napkins as the metaphor.  Pay close attention to my wording.  Are you ready?  Behold, the Napkin Dilemma.