To be or not to be...

I've come to the conclusion that my weekly updates are stupid.  I knew this day would eventually come.  But honestly, what exactly am I doing?  What am I trying to prove by talking about what I've done in the past week?  Who am I proving it to?  For those of you who've read my first post, this is just me hating the idea of expressing myself like this.  I'll probably eat my words and have another post later this week...I have to remind myself.... I'm doing this so that I could look back on it years from now and laugh... Gah, this is all so stupid.

I couldn't sleep Tuesday night.  I was physically pretty tired... Touring USC, getting caught in frustrating traffic, "playing" for 5 minutes, driving to Fullerton, hints of a headache... But I couldn't sleep... And it's all because of a word I kept seeing in my mind; the word, 'EXPECTATIONS'.

"Shoot for the moon.  Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars," reads a poster from my 8th grade English class.  It sounds silly, but that really captures how I've lived my life.  I've always strived for the best, knowing it would be okay to achieve somewhere close to the top. But now that I look back on what I've done, I don't feel like I've ever landed anywhere near the top.  In fact, I feel like I've shot for the moon so many times and all I've done is crash into asteroids.  I feel as though I've strived for the best and yet all I've achieved is mediocrity.  And I'm afraid at the thought, what if that's all I'll ever achieve?  What if mediocre is all I'll ever be?

The expectations from my parents and my family are tremendous.  Maybe it's just in my mind... maybe I just pressure myself... But I'm looked at as the nephew who's sure to do well.  I've always been seen as the humble, 'mabaet' kid who continues to excel at both academics and athletics.  In some ways, they look at me like they've given me everything I could possibly want. With all the resources at my fingertips, how could I not succeed?  I'm constantly reminded of how they had all these humble beginnings and still succeeded.  I'm already a step ahead... I should succeed pretty easily, right?

In my mind, I'm failing.  I feel that I haven't come close to the expectations set for me so far.  I can't help but wonder... What if I never come close to the expectations that are set for my future?  I fear a day ten years from now, when I'll look back on my life's expectations only to see that I haven't fulfilled a single one.  I fear that I'll look back and think about how I could've, would've, and should've been great.  I fear this day more than anything; and the sad part is, this is reality for so many people.  I understand why so many middle-aged men turn to alcoholism--the physical burn is much easier to deal with than the emotional pain of realizing that you've amounted to nothing.  This day isn't supposed to come for me.  But what if it does?  What if I continue to fail?

I find myself constantly thinking back to my life in 8th grade.  Things were not easy--there were still numerous stresses and worries... But for some reason, I was the happiest guy I've ever been.  I just seemed to meet every expectation.  From school work, to teachers, to students, to girls, to sports, I just kept landing on the moon.  There are times when I'm driving by myself, or taking a shower, when I'm lost in thought... and all of a sudden I just burst out laughing.  I just think, how did my life turn out this badly?  Did I do something to deserve this?  Does someone upstairs have it out for me?  Am I supposed to learn some great lesson out of all of this?  I suppose there comes a point when you're tired of being sad about your situation, and you're tired of being angry at the world  for the life you've had to live.  "At which point you realize, life is but a joke, and the laugh's on you."  There's nothing else you can do but laugh at how unfair to you life has become.  Although only somewhat related, I'm reminded of a quote by the Joker from Alan Moore's graphic novel, Batman: The Killing Joke.  The Joker exclaims:

"Memories can be vile, repulsive little brutes...But can we live without them?  Memories are what our reason is based upon.  If we can't face them, we deny reason itself!  Although, why not? We aren't contractually tied down to rationality!  There is no sanity clause!  So when you find yourself locked onto an unpleasant train of thought, heading for the places in your past where the screaming is unbearable, remember there's always madness.  Madness is the emergency exit..."

Does life really have a way of working itself out; or do you just discard your desires you have for something better and learn to become satisfied with what you have?

What do you give a man who has everything he could ever ask for?  What do I want?  A school I can feel proud of?  A girl who cares about me the same way I would care for her?  Parents who aren't so overprotective?  At this juncture in my life, sure, I want all of these things.  But in the overall scheme of things... I just want to win.  All I've ever wanted is to succeed.  Is this because I've always felt like I'm losing?  Yes.  For all the things I've wanted at certain junctures in my life, I feel like I've fought uphill battles with all of them, only to get knocked back down to the bottom of the hill.  Sure, I fear that failure; but I don't fear failure as much as I fear accepting failure and not doing anything about it.  I've been losing all my life; what if one day, discouraged, and defeated, I discard the desire to strive for the best?  To tell you the truth, I'm already beginning to lose faith in myself... and losing it completely is what I fear most.

Who I'm expected to be, who I want to be, who I've been, and who I am.  These four characters have always been in conflict with each other my entire life.  I've kept a consistent positive attitude through it all, which is why I don't let this get to me.  My life is awesome right now.  There's just some times when I look at the big picture, and things didn't come out like I wanted them to...  But I'll never talk about this with anyone.  It just seems so petty to me.  Of course everyone has expectations, and of course everyone wants to succeed!  There are people who are going through much more serious problems than mine.  Complaining about what I want like this feels so childish to me.  Still, these thoughts linger in the back of my mind constantly, and they've really come to the forefront this year.  There were so many things that were supposed to work out...  Tuesday was just one of those days.  Not only did I have some personal let downs, but I also felt like I let down so many people...  Tuesday night was just one of those nights when these thoughts screamed out at me the loudest...

Quote of the Day:

"I think I'd be more emo about it if I wasn't such a social butterfly."  ~Krizia Leah Apelar