Only Fools Rush In...

Posted: 01 April 2009 by Brian in
1


It's recently become increasingly aware to me how many misconceptions there are regarding me and my ridiculously high standards for girls.  Haha, allow me to explain.

First of all, my standards are entirely natural.  My standards didn't come as a result of being extraordinarily hurt by someone, nor is there someone who created big shoes to fill for the next girl.  You know that feeling when you see someone, and you're immediately attracted to them?  Your heart races, your eyes sparkle, you have a silly look on your face and you know it, and you're suddenly nervous about what you're going to say to them.  You know that feeling? Yeah, I've rarely ever had that feeling.  That's because of how my standards go.  I've just had them all my life.

I've discussed my standards with some girls, and with a particular three, I've gotten the response, "Yeah, because you're Brian Paggao!"  Well, what does that mean?  Here's what they said,

"You're Brian Paggao! You're confident and smart, and you've got a lot of things going for you!"

"It's just you.  You have a lot of girls that like you, but you only like a few of them, if ever.  Because of that many girls, you have a right to be picky."

"I don't know, you're Brian.  You come from a great family... they've raised you... I don't know, I'm really bad at explaining things!"

How flattering, ladies.  While these may be true on some level, I honestly don't see any of them as the real reason for my standards.  Yes, I have been lucky enough to grow up in a great family who have encouraged me to have a well-rounded lifestyle that I guess some people have found to be attractive.  But I really don't have these standards because I see myself or think of myself as some really special, good catch or anything like that.  The truth is, I have these standards because I feel like if I do have a girlfriend, I'd care for her and do anything to make her happy.  Don't get me wrong, I very much have my own life, but I feel like I'd really spend time to take care of her.  Why should I waste my time with girls that I really don't have feelings for?  I know that sounds bad, but seriously, if someone who meets my standards comes along, I'd give her the world, and I'd reach for the moon and the stars if that wasn't enough.  I have these standards so that I know I'm giving it all to someone who deserves it.

My standards have kept me from certain experiences, they've kept me from rushing into things, and recently, I learned that my standards can even create a great hesitancy to act when I really do have feelings.  So people tell me to lower them.  Sure, logically, that makes sense.  Maybe they are too high, but I really don't think that they are.  Lower them?  Why?  It's like you're telling me to give up my favorite food.  Why should I?  Baby back ribs will be out there, and I really don't need to eat some other food to substitute them.

4 Years, 9 Months
To this exact day, it has been that long since I've had my last relationship.  If you do the math to make it 5 years and you keep in mind the dates, you may actually know how long it lasted, and from what month to what month.  Don't get me wrong, I've talked to a couple girls, trying to see if I could develop feelings, but nothing's really ever come of them.  Even this last "relationship" I had, I don't even see that it was a real relationship.  I mean, technically, sure we were.  But now, she's nothing but 'that one girl' from 'that one time' just like everyone else.  I know what you might be thinking... Does it bother you that you've been single that long?  Don't you feel like you've missed out?  You know, it's funny, if you were to ask me those questions just this past summer, I'd probably tell you 'No' straight up, right away.  I've been saved from a ton of heartache and stress that I know many of my peers have experienced.  But you know what?  I've also learned that all that stress and heartache is all worth it for those moments when it feels like someone just gets you...

Maybe no one's got me in a while... or maybe.. I'm afraid to show the real Brian Paggao.

Quote of the Day:

"A boy can love a million girls, but it takes a man to love a girl a million ways."
~Unknown

I found it on some random website. how fitting :)

Break Out

Posted: 31 March 2009 by Brian in
2

My very first college spring break began Wednesday, March 18th, while most of the rest of Cal Poly still had finals.  It was nice to finally catch up on some sleep and just chill at home.



Sunday, the 22nd, my Dad participated in the the bike portion of the very first ever Pasadena Marathon! He just cruised, not really biking to beat a time or anything, but 26 miles is still a long way! Afterwards, we celebrated at our house with a little barbecue, which was also for Amanda's 15th birthday!

Monday, March 23rd, my sister turned 15 years old!  Gahh, I love my sister to death.  I know I haven't always been there for her, and quite frankly, I know there have been times when I've been just straight up mean.  But I hope she knows how much I really do love and care about her.

Tuesday... argh, as much as I don't really wanna describe it, here goes.  So I visited USC for a very useless Transfer Information Session.  Thanks for telling me things that are already pretty much explained on the website.  Ugh, I was so stupid late, thank God for Robert Siegel, thank God he was free at the time I called him, and thank God he knew what building to take me to when I was sooo lost on that campus.  I haven't seen Siegs since graduation!!!  I got a text from Jezreel, and he helped to show me around, along with Big Al Ortega!!! I haven't spent time with Big Al since middle school at Occidental basketball camp!  Also bumped into Paul Goulding!  Paul will always be Paul, haha.  Well, what can I say?  USC's awesome...  It's everything I knew it was and more.  Furthermore, it's leaps and bounds better than Cal Poly.   Like 3,000,000 times better.  Like if Cal Poly was airplane food, USC's pretty much a world renown, five-star restaurant with top of the line chefs and great looking waitresses.  As I was walking around, however, I had this weird, omnipresent feeling looming over me.  I felt like I should have been there in the first place.  I shouldn't be walking around getting to know the campus, touring like I already had done in high school.  I felt like I should have been there already--taking classes, hanging with friends...  It made me bitter.  The transfer process will suck if I try.  My 5 AP classes won't count for any GEs, and all the classes I've taken so far won't count either, so I'll pretty much be losing at least a year.  Then, to take classes that will transfer over, I'll be taking classes that I don't have to take at Cal Poly--wasting yet another half a year.  What a dilemma... There are times when what is best for you must be put ahead of what you want.  Hmm, what if what I want is actually what's best for me?


I drove to my 6:00 game afterwards, of course getting in stupid, ridiculous, hour-and-a-half traffic on the 10 freeway.  I got there with two minutes left and we were down by four.  I stupidly subbed in and we ended up losing by eleven.  Tsk tsk... It may have not entirely been my fault... But I sure put that pressure on myself.  I had been playing basketball everyday all week just to play well in this game... and here I felt like the reason why we lost...


Afterwards, we all went to Shakey's where Leah... eventually met up with us. Then, due to a miscommunication, I had to drive her back to Fullerton.  I screwed up soooo bad.  I thought for some reason that she lived close by!!!  I then went home late to a furious dad who yelled at me about being inconsiderate making him wait up like that...


Wednesday, I went out to lunch with Eunice and Vincent at Afloat Sushi in Old Town Pasadena!  I took the train there, just nearby, knowing it'd be cheaper than parking.  It really helped to get my mind back to its center, even if I only rode it for 3 stops.  I took that same train for 4 years in high school, man.  It's amazing how I hated it yet grew so emotionally mature from it, just having that time to think.  The sushi floating by on boats... Eunice underestimating her bill... walking around Old Town in PERFECT weather... Pinkberry for just my second time ever... Reading the funny books at Urban Outfitters... Ahh, a good day.  I missed them two so much, and I hadn't talked to Eunice in months!



Friday, after picking up my mom from the airport, I went with Josh first to Taco Spot for some *thumbs up* Carne Asada Fries, and then we eventually met up with Gianina and her friends, Wendy, Genie, and Angelica.  I didn't know Gianina HAD that many girl friends... haha, jkjk.  Walked around the Americana with them, where a very interesting somebody had waited for me outside of Urban Outfitters to meet me... hehe, we'll see... she's...  Anyways, we went to watch 'I Love You, Man', which was actually really really funny, much better than I had expected!  Dinner at Island's... free Pinkberry because Wendy worked there... and then actually not getting in trouble this time when I came home late!  Hooray!


Saturday, after basketball practice and missing the Cal Poly basketball game (they were an unranked team that went all the way to the Division II NCAA National Championship, only to lose by a buzzer beater three pointer), I hung out with my family, watched 'Duplicity', which was actually just okay.  In the previews, they make it seem like it's some fast-paced, witty, espionage romantic comedy... It's kinda just one long story dragged out...


Ahh, over all, it was a pretty good Spring Break.  Certain liberties were naturally gone because I was home, but still.  It was very very restful.  I also got to catch up on Heroes and I played A LOT of basketball.  Ooh, I also got to read Watchmen, which I really enjoyed.  It was a very cynical way of looking at the world, which I found very interesting.  Now, I can't wait to see the movie! 


I'm back with a vengeance this quarter.  As a 'fuck you' to Cal Poly, to Loyola, to all the schools I should have gotten in to, I swear to get straight A's this quarter.  I'm giving it my all, no matter what it takes.  Screw a social life if I have to.  Fuck it.  I feel like this whole year I've been getting beat by an opponent I know that I'm better than.  I suppose there comes a point when you're tired of getting beat up, and even if you're losing and know that you will lose, you give it everything you've got in just one final push...


Quotes of the Week:


"Will: My father was an alcoholic. Mean fuckin' drunk. Used to come home hammered, looking to whale on someone. So I had to provoke him, so he wouldn't go after my mother and little brother. Interesting nights were when he wore his rings... He used to just put a belt, a stick, and a wrench on the kitchen table and say, "Choose." 
Sean:Well, I gotta go with the belt there. 

Will: I used to go with the wrench. 

Sean: Why? 
Will: Cause fuck him, that's why."

~Good WIll Hunting


"The streets are extended gutters and the gutters are full of blood and when the drains finally scab over, all the vermin will drown.:
The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout "Save Us!"...:
...and I'll look down, and whisper, "No""

~Rorschach, Watchmen


Within His Dreams He Sees the Life He Made...

Posted: 26 March 2009 by Brian in
2


I've come to the conclusion that my weekly updates are stupid.  I knew this day would eventually come.  But honestly, what exactly am I doing?  What am I trying to prove by talking about what I've done in the past week?  Who am I proving it to?  For those of you who've read my first post, this is just me hating the idea of expressing myself like this.  I'll probably eat my words and have another post later this week...I have to remind myself.... I'm doing this so that I could look back on it years from now and laugh... Gah, this is all so stupid.


I couldn't sleep Tuesday night.  I was physically pretty tired... Touring USC, getting caught in frustrating traffic, "playing" for 5 minutes, driving to Fullerton, hints of a headache... But I couldn't sleep... And it's all because of a word I kept seeing in my mind; the word, 'EXPECTATIONS'.


"Shoot for the moon.  Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars," reads a poster from my 8th grade English class.  It sounds silly, but that really captures how I've lived my life.  I've always strived for the best, knowing it would be okay to achieve somewhere close to the top. But now that I look back on what I've done, I don't feel like I've ever landed anywhere near the top.  In fact, I feel like I've shot for the moon so many times and all I've done is crash into asteroids.  I feel as though I've strived for the best and yet all I've achieved is mediocrity.  And I'm afraid at the thought, what if that's all I'll ever achieve?  What if mediocre is all I'll ever be?


The expectations from my parents and my family are tremendous.  Maybe it's just in my mind... maybe I just pressure myself... But I'm looked at as the nephew who's sure to do well.  I've always been seen as the humble, 'mabaet' kid who continues to excel at both academics and athletics.  In some ways, they look at me like they've given me everything I could possibly want. With all the resources at my fingertips, how could I not succeed?  I'm constantly reminded of how they had all these humble beginnings and still succeeded.  I'm already a step ahead... I should succeed pretty easily, right?


In my mind, I'm failing.  I feel that I haven't come close to the expectations set for me so far.  I can't help but wonder... What if I never come close to the expectations that are set for my future?  I fear a day ten years from now, when I'll look back on my life's expectations only to see that I haven't fulfilled a single one.  I fear that I'll look back and think about how I could've, would've, and should've been great.  I fear this day more than anything; and the sad part is, this is reality for so many people.  I understand why so many middle-aged men turn to alcoholism--the physical burn is much easier to deal with than the emotional pain of realizing that you've amounted to nothing.  This day isn't supposed to come for me.  But what if it does?  What if I continue to fail?


I find myself constantly thinking back to my life in 8th grade.  Things were not easy--there were still numerous stresses and worries... But for some reason, I was the happiest guy I've ever been.  I just seemed to meet every expectation.  From school work, to teachers, to students, to girls, to sports, I just kept landing on the moon.  There are times when I'm driving by myself, or taking a shower, when I'm lost in thought... and all of a sudden I just burst out laughing.  I just think, how did my life turn out this badly?  Did I do something to deserve this?  Does someone upstairs have it out for me?  Am I supposed to learn some great lesson out of all of this?  I suppose there comes a point when you're tired of being sad about your situation, and you're tired of being angry at the world  for the life you've had to live.  "At which point you realize, life is but a joke, and the laugh's on you."  There's nothing else you can do but laugh at how unfair to you life has become.  Although only somewhat related, I'm reminded of a quote by the Joker from Alan Moore's graphic novel, Batman: The Killing Joke.  The Joker exclaims:


"Memories can be vile, repulsive little brutes...But can we live without them?  Memories are what our reason is based upon.  If we can't face them, we deny reason itself!  Although, why not? We aren't contractually tied down to rationality!  There is no sanity clause!  So when you find yourself locked onto an unpleasant train of thought, heading for the places in your past where the screaming is unbearable, remember there's always madness.  Madness is the emergency exit..."


Does life really have a way of working itself out; or do you just discard your desires you have for something better and learn to become satisfied with what you have?


What do you give a man who has everything he could ever ask for?  What do I want?  A school I can feel proud of?  A girl who cares about me the same way I would care for her?  Parents who aren't so overprotective?  At this juncture in my life, sure, I want all of these things.  But in the overall scheme of things... I just want to win.  All I've ever wanted is to succeed.  Is this because I've always felt like I'm losing?  Yes.  For all the things I've wanted at certain junctures in my life, I feel like I've fought uphill battles with all of them, only to get knocked back down to the bottom of the hill.  Sure, I fear that failure; but I don't fear failure as much as I fear accepting failure and not doing anything about it.  I've been losing all my life; what if one day, discouraged, and defeated, I discard the desire to strive for the best?  To tell you the truth, I'm already beginning to lose faith in myself... and losing it completely is what I fear most.


Who I'm expected to be, who I want to be, who I've been, and who I am.  These four characters have always been in conflict with each other my entire life.  I've kept a consistent positive attitude through it all, which is why I don't let this get to me.  My life is awesome right now.  There's just some times when I look at the big picture, and things didn't come out like I wanted them to...  But I'll never talk about this with anyone.  It just seems so petty to me.  Of course everyone has expectations, and of course everyone wants to succeed!  There are people who are going through much more serious problems than mine.  Complaining about what I want like this feels so childish to me.  Still, these thoughts linger in the back of my mind constantly, and they've really come to the forefront this year.  There were so many things that were supposed to work out...  Tuesday was just one of those days.  Not only did I have some personal let downs, but I also felt like I let down so many people...  Tuesday night was just one of those nights when these thoughts screamed out at me the loudest...


Quote of the Day:

"I think I'd be more emo about it if I wasn't such a social butterfly."  ~Krizia Leah Apelar



March Made-ness

Posted: 20 March 2009 by Brian in
0

Hello, blog world!  It's been a while!  Busy, busy busy!  Now that I'm on Spring Break, I can kinda come back to earth a bit.  But ahh, yet another great week.  This one was probably one of the greatest weeks I've ever had at Cal Poly.  Beginning with March 9th, here we go!!!


Tuesday brought another loss for team Ice Water, just when we had gotten on a two game winning streak.  It sucked... We were better than the other team, we just didn't show it.  Jesse, Stephen, Allyson, and Andrew went to the game, however, which was really really cool.  We went to In-N-Out afterwards, where I learned that 5-hour energy, a basketball game, a burger, and a strawberry shake just don't mix well.  More on 5-hour energy later.  That Tuesday night was the first all nighter I have ever pulled in my entire life!!!  I've been close, but I usually either fall asleep doing what I'm doing, or I decide to nap for half an hour.  'Twas all for a stupid powerpoint presentation and a test the next day at 8AM.


Wednesday.  I aced the exam, slept for half an hour in my 9:15 class, and then slept another half hour afterwards on one of the tables outside of Panda Express.  It was weird though, I dreamt while I slept.  

Usually you sleep in class and it doesn't mean anything, but I knocked out and woke up thinking I had been in my bed all along.  After presenting in class and finishing up at 4 or so, I went back to my dorm and got the true sleep I needed.  Andrew woke me up just in time to leave for a night out at UCLA.  My, what a night it was.   I met a bunch of the Glen A. WIlson High School people, who were so much fun to be around.  *sigh*, a co-ed high school would have been so much more fun.  Candace was excellent with her violin; I've never seen an orchestra like that! We walked around meeting up with more people, finally got (free) food (I hadn't eaten since after my exam!), and Stephen and I got to witness a mini-reunion!  

After being around UCLA like that, and after a good talk with Kathleen when I got back, I finally knew for sure what I wanted to do.  I have decided that I'm going to do what ever it takes to transfer.  I was unsure for the longest time, thinking that it'd be such a hassle, and that maybe it's just an illusion, maybe the grass is just greener on the other side.  But after that night, I knew that Cal Poly just hasn't been a good fit for me.  Hence, a knew segment to my blog: Reasons I Should Transfer!  There's honestly no single reason, it's all just a cluster of ideas that took two quarters to get to me.


Reason #19 Why I Should Transfer

Cal Poly's supposed to be one of the top architecture schools in California, yet the buildings are built by the engineers!



Stephen and I discussed this while we were at UCLA.  Their lighting, walkways, and just overall buildings' structural shapes and designs are just so nice.  Cal Poly's buildings are straightforward bricks and cubes.  It's definitely a low reason on the list, one that anyone could easily get over, but hey, it's still a reason.


Thursday night, Stephen, Allyson, Andrew, and I finally satisfied the Pho craving they've been having for months, haha.  We were supposed to get some Tuesday, AND Wednesday too, but it didn't work out.  Ahh, that was good.


Friday and Saturday, I went home, but came back Saturday night to get geared up for finals.  That Saturday night, Jesse, Stephen and I hung out in his room, until we got hungry at about 2 in the morning.  We looked up 24 hour food places around the area, and found that there are none besides Alberto's, but we were getting tired of them.  We decided to try this place called "Tacos Jalisco's", which was ranked as the number one restaurant in all of Pomona.  So Jesse drove, or rather, weaved through lanes, until we got there.  It was in one of thee SHADIEST places in Pomona, and the whole restaurant was packed (this is at 3 in the morning, mind you).  OMG it was sooo good though.  Definitely some of the best Mexican food I've ever had.


Sunday, we spent all day "studying" in our room, until we realized none of us had gotten much done, well, other than...

hehehe...We went to eat Sam Woo chinese food that night, and we also got some interesting buy-one-get-one boba that tasted more like tea than milk tea.  STUDY STUDY STUDY!


Monday, after getting my final over with, I slept.  Woke up for more studying after dinner.  Library, free hot chocolate at the BSC after midnight (from a very flirtatious-with-me girl, and a guy hitting on Allyson), long boarding, throwing a "ball" at Stephen, studying in Allyon's dorm.  We had a very interesting talk that night about how none of us can picture each other getting married in like 5-10 years.  It's gonna happen though (right?).  Crazy.  Stephen really said what had been in the back of my mind for a while now.  Think about this: at 18 years of age, the relationships you have now could actually be with the one you marry....seriously, we're getting up there in age, people.  We're actually old enough!


5-HOUR ENERGY, AKA THE ELIXIR OF LIFE, is bad for you.  Contrary to whatever people may tell you, it's bad for you.  I can't exactly explain why, but it just is.  Sure, there's no sugar, no jitters, no crash, and it really does work, but there's something about it that just chemically screws you up.  It's just unusual for your body.


I used it to stay up to study for finals, and it's just a weird feeling.  I tried to go to sleep at about 4:30am Sunday night, and it almost felt like I didn't sleep at all; I just closed my eyes for a long time.  I had the same feeling Monday night when I tried sleeping at 4 and "waking" at 5:30.  Man, finals sucked.  I'm pretty sure I did well, but iono. That 7AM final on Tuesday was brutal.  Needless to say, I went back to sleep, and actually slept from 9 to 4.  


That Tuesday, I bumped into/had a chance to have a good talk with Pia!!! Great to see you again, girl!  That night Team Ice Water had another game... I have to say that that was one of thee most frustrating basketball games I've ever played in.  Not only did I (over-dramatically) hurt my right ankle AGAIN, but I felt disrespected.  Our team as a whole just didn't work hard enough, either.... I felt my ankle pop, man. It wasn't just the muscle this time, it didn't feel like a normal roll.  I'm pretty sure the bone popped out or was on its way to pop out.  I freaked out!  It still hurts a bit, but I'll be fine... The high top shoes/ankle brace saved me.


So now I'm on Spring Break!!! I'm so glad I'm back to my normal sleeping habits.  My nocturnal ways were just not working for my body.  The possibilities of break excite me!  I'll let you guys know!


Ahh, such a great week.  Thanks in most part to ANDREW, JESSE, STEPHEN, AND ALLYSON!!! 

and... hehe, thanks to Michael Baluyot for Photoshop!


And of course, how could I forget the wonderful Leah Apelar for our first-of-many long talks.  Thanks so much for listening!  I'll always be here for you.  We and our Lonely Hearts Club Band, haha, we'll get through this.



Quote(s) of the Day (Week):

"To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia--to mistake an ordinary young man for a Greek god or an ordinary young woman for a goddess."  ~H.L. Mencken

haha, I heard it from Mel and liked it so much that I wrote it down in my notebook before falling asleep in front of Panda.


"If love had a texture, it would be Boba."    ~Stephen Rivas

SO true, just think about it.  A deceptively hard exterior, but a soft, sweet core.  Mushy and chewy, but fun to be around anyway.  Not to mention it can survive in almost any rough liquids. :)


"Don't make her wait for you, even if you know she would"   ~The away message of this girl who had a crush on me my sophomore year...while she was a senior... 

I find it most interesting that we can literally take decades of schooling, learning both physical and mental processes that are so easy to forget if they're not practiced.  But in matters of learning from relationships, there are things you will never forget...


Damn, this is what I get for not updating this throughout the week... One long post again... and they're not as thoughtful as I'd like them to be... more of, what I've done lately.  I'll work on this, I promise.


THANKS TO Chris Medina, Allyson Yee, and Leah Apelar, the unseen followers of my blog!!!


Times Change

Posted: 09 March 2009 by Brian in
0

Time for last week's recap!

NIKE AIR ZOOM KOBE IVs... no longer allude me.  There's a story behind 'em!  I called six Foot Lockers in my area, only to hear that my desired size 10.5s were sold out.  However, one guy was helpful enough to tell me that there was only one within a fifty mile radius, and it was all the way at the Inland Mall in San Bernardino.  So Tuesday morning, after class ended at ten, I drove my ass straight over there.  Not without getting lost as usual; thanks to Kraig for helping me out, haha.
  After a good forty minute drive, I was in a complete country side.  Truck stops, motels, and fast-food joints galore.  The mall was such a random place.  Boy, did i feel uncomfortable.  Not only was my BMW the only BMW for miles, but I was the only Asian in a sea of hicks, black people, and mexican people for miles.  I had planned to buy my mom something from the mall, but what ended up happening was, I went straight to the Foot Locker, bought the only 10.5 which was also the display, and I got the fuck out of there.  It's amazing, the lengths I'd go to when I want something bad enough.

Tuesday night included... Ice Water's second victory ever, AND the second victory in a row!  Game time was 7pm, so I picked up Mikey early and we were at Cameron Park at 6.  At 6:30, I realized I had forgotten my jersey at the dorm!  So I drove all the way back to pick it up, and I got into siiiiiiick traffic on Temple because of stupid Mt. Sac kids getting out of class and stupid construction that's been going for way too long. I got to the game at about 7:30, the score was 36-52 with about 10 minutes left.  I checked in, fouled the shit out of a guy (seriously, I hit him in the head), and went on the other end and hit a three.  I was ready to do whatever it took to bring us back, but the score was wrong.  After that three pointer, it was 55-36.  I didn't realize it until two possessions later, WE WERE WINNING!  HAHA, I was so pissed off from the frozen traffic that I got even more mad when I got there and thought we were losing!!!  Good win guys, proud of yous.  Wish I had been there to share in the fun!

Thursday.  After class I basically wasted time playing the Biggest Brain thing on facebook and watching Fringe with Andrew.  That night we had planned to go to 24 Hour Fitness to play basketball.  Something suddenly came over me as we were getting ready to go.  I began to see double.  UGH, I knew what that meant.  I was headed straight down the road to Migraineville.  I've had migraines all my life, but hadn't had one in a while... they're the worst thing ever though.  Light sensitivity, sound sensitivity, you can't even walk right.  Everything hurts.  So I frantically began to do everything I could to prevent it before it happened.  I drank apple juice to get my blood sugar up, I took two Excedrins, I even dunked my head in cool water.  This was all while we were trying to photoshop my face on top a scan of Andrew's ID.  After some quick In-N-Out that I had to wolf down, I was successfully snuck in!  My double vision was gone, and a headache did come on, but it soon subsided after playing.  It's interesting how basketball has always cured anything in my life.  sidenote: I'm thisclose to dunking again.  Damn my senior year injuries, but i'm almost back.  We proceeded to play ball from 9pm to 2:30 in the morning, and then went to a 24 hour Yoshinoya.  After eating and taking a shower, I knocked out.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAMA!  Friday, March 6th was my mom's 45th birthday!  We didn't do much because she got out of work late, we just went to dinner at Barrio Fiesta in Eagle Rock. It's simply unfair to the rest of the female population, how much I love my mother. :)  We went to Sunday brunch at Castaway's in Burbank as her real celebration.

'Stage of Life' Moment 3/8/09
Scene: Getting ready to leave for the Sunday Brunch buffet at Castaway's.
Mom: Should I change? These jeans are too tight, how am I supposed to eat a lot?

Saturday, we also went to the CIF Division 2A Finals game, Loyola vs. Eisenhower at the Honda Center in Anaheim.  Eisenhower was a small team, all about six feet, Loyola was bigger, yet Eisenhower worked harder for every rebound and loose ball.  The Cubs were up by eight before one guy just started hitting threes.  Before they knew it, they were down by nine.  Loyola still caught up, and actually took the lead again, 71-69.  But then they let two threes go, and it was 75-71 with thirty seconds left.  They coughed up threes when they shouldn't have, and ended up losing, 73-79.  It was a very entertaining game though, made me wish I had played high school ball more than ever.

Sunday, after a day of Brunch and then dinner at Wing Stop with my family, Andrew taught me how to ride a skateboard!!! I've never been on a board before, but I'm getting better!

Here's to another good week. 2 more weeks till break!

you!!!!

Posted: by Brian in
0

I got this from uh... a friend's post on another blog.

"It scares me, the way I really don’t think about you anymore.  While just a couple months ago you were all I thought about, things have completely changed.  This bothers me.  I’ve found that with my standards, when I realize I have feelings for someone, it takes me forever to get over her.  What’s become different with you?  Is it because of the immature way we ended things?  Have I just been really busy with other issues on my mind?  Am I growing up and learning that people are meant to come in and out of our lives?  Were you (according to my extremely intelligent friend, Brian, and his dilemma) just another napkin from the stack?  It may have taken me a while to realize it, but I really don’t think you were; and so I really don’t want to forget you like this.  As crazy as this sounds, I want to miss you.  I know I should be doing exactly what I’m doing: moving on and letting go.  But the fact that it’s happening so naturally and so quickly worries me.  It actually pains me to write this, just because I know that this has run its course.  But for some reason, I really do want to write this… I just don’t want to think of you like all the other girls; you weren’t like them.  So as much as I know I shouldn’t do this, here are the ‘so many things that were left unsaid’.  Here is everything I should have told you, but just didn’t have the balls to say…


When we first started talking, I had no idea what kind of effect you would have on me.  You were just that girl from oh, so long ago.  So we started off casually, not talking about much at all.  I thought it’d be fun to poke at you a little bit and be a little cocky.  It was all just joking around with a girl who had a silly thing for me at the beginning of high school.  Things changed the first time we saw each other over our computer screens.  There was some kind of connection.  There was an unexplainable spark, a certain giddiness around you that I hadn’t felt for anyone in a long time.  But I was unsure.  Who were you?  How could this be happening with someone I’ve pretty much just met?  Why did I want to talk to you again, and again?  It's strange how you can miss someone you've just met.  We talked more, and the questions and uncertainties only grew.


I asked you out to see if any of them could be answered.  We had a great time; I still can’t explain it, but it was amazing to see you again, even if none of the questions were even remotely answered.  But the truth is… you gave me this look.  It started in my car as I was driving you back, and it preceded every cute little wave you had for me in our chats afterwards.  You had this certain gaze, a twinkle in your eye that said to me, ‘let’s hang out more’, ‘let’s get to know each other’, ‘let’s take a chance at this’.  Your look said to me… ‘let’s be together’.  This absolutely terrified me.  It terrified me, not because it was unexpected, and not because it made me uncomfortable.  In fact, it scared me because it was so comfortable.  Your look and what it meant to me was everything I wanted.  Suddenly, you…were everything I never knew I always wanted...  This terrified me, and so my uncertainties expanded again.  Bigger questions were added.  How could I be feeling this way for someone so quickly, with my standards being what they are?  How do I really know that I want this?  What do I do now?  I realize now that I had no idea how to handle us after that.  


You see, I used to be the nicest, sweetest guy any girl could ever ask for.  That translated to neediness and clinginess, so I had my heart ripped from my chest and shoved down my throat.  Afterwards, I swore to myself that I’d never feel like that again.  I told myself that no girl is worth opening up to like that.  So without even knowing it, in my cloud of doubt that I had about you, I pushed you away.  If you didn’t notice, any time we’d begin to talk about anything deep in our lives, I made a joke to neutralize it and bring it back to casual conversation.  I became unappreciative of you, waiting for you to contact me and ending conversations early.  I didn’t want to do it; I always wanted to talk to you for so much longer.  But I was just afraid of opening up and seeming in any way desperate.  I became a jerk, making fun of everything from your new car, to finishing your ten-page paper, to seeing your picture as an ad in the paper, all because I wanted to make it a point that I’m some cool guy with a life that didn’t need you.


I felt tensions rise during finals week.  I could be totally wrong about this and you were just busy studying, but I felt like things were different.  In my mind, I knew my comment about your ad was too much.  Looking back at it, I think around here might’ve been the time you had begun to think how worthless I was to talk to.  But at this point, I was realizing how worth it you really were.  I realized how much I had taken you for granted.  I found myself missing you, and missing hearing from you.  So after finals, I called you.  I told myself I was finally going to quit the crap.  I was going to show you who I really was and let you know how I really felt.  I had planned to ask you to go to an art show with me that weekend, but I was so nervous to ask you so I just kept talking.  This was a huge deal for me.  I had been on first dates before… never a second.  When you unexpectedly hung up on me, I had no idea how to react.  Suddenly, all the doubts that I had just thrown out the window had come back, and the only way I thought I wouldn’t come off as needy was if I was a jerk right back.  So I did what I did, and I knew immediately after that I shouldn’t have done it.  However, I decided it was best to let things simmer down.  I didn’t want to—I wanted to talk to you more, see if you were feeling anything similar…but I ultimately decided that it would be too needy for me to try and talk to you like that.  So I let you go, not knowing how much you’d consume my thoughts, and not knowing that I wouldn’t hear from you unless I started the conversation. 


Everything seemed to culminate on Christmas day.  The reds just weren’t as red, the greens not as green.  When you know true happiness, contentment is just not enough.  I couldn’t take this pushing away business anymore; it was stupid, and going against everything I wanted to do.  So I decided that I’d drop all the doubts again.  This time, this was it.  I was scared shitless—it’s the hardest thing to put yourself out there for another person like that, but it’s especially difficult for me…  So I said what I said.  I wanted to be at that game.  But I wanted to be there with you…  It was definitely a condensed version of what I was truly feeling, and yeah, it might’ve been a little ambiguous… But I got nothing from you.  To this day I still don’t understand why you didn’t just reply to that text.  It was so uncharacteristic of you not to react.  I had no idea what to think.  I left it all at that, waiting for something, anything to let me know that you even received what I had said.  You literally drove me crazy.  My thoughts ran rampant with the possibilities of why you hadn’t said anything.  I stared at my phone, with your name at the top of my contacts, just waiting.  I kept myself so busy, yet you were always on my mind.  I kept falling in and out of thought processes; from, ‘Fine, I don’t need to hear from you anyways’, to ‘Why aren’t I hearing from you?’  I’d later learn that during that whole time, you were actually waiting for me to call you.  I knew I owed you more than a text, and trust me, I would’ve at least called right away…if I had just gotten any kind indication of how you were feeling, too…


Driven to the point of clinical insanity, I finally called weeks later…  But I could hear it in your voice… it was too late.  As happy as I was to get closure for why we hadn’t been talking, when all that cleared I realized how badly this had turned out.  Now, I was too late.  Trying anything to win you back would fail.  I still tried… something inside of me just told me that you were a girl that was actually worth opening up to like that…but in the back of my mind, I knew this was over.  I smile now, at the thought of how ready and willing I was to commit to you.  I had so many plans.  I wanted to take you to so many places; I wanted to introduce you to so many people.  I wanted to show you the world in a way I hadn’t shown anyone ever before.  Eh, it’s ok.  Watevs.


What I’ve presented you with are the facts, the way I saw them.  I know that these facts don’t matter.  What matters are the feelings you have towards those facts, and right now, I don’t know what to think.  How could something that didn't really have a beginning have such a definite ending? I wish we could have just talked it all out.  I realized something as I was writing this: a part of me really does miss you, and I miss our happy moments so much.  But the other part of me that says this is over completely outweighs those thoughts.  I wish we could just start over.  Given another opportunity, I’d be so much better.  But I don’t believe in second chances.  It seems like in my life, with everything I’ve ever truly wanted I've needed a second chance, and I’ve never gotten one...  But the one thing I wish more than anything that I hadn’t done, was disappointing you the way that I did.  The kinda guy you thought you knew and the guy I truly am are completely different.  If it’s any form of retribution for you, you did drive me completely crazy over break; and now, I can torture my mind with the thought of you reading this and not saying anything to me... All I need is a second chance... Ahh, what an interesting chapter in my life; this one entitled, ‘The Girl That Got Away…Twice’...  Now I just wish the story hadn’t been so short."


Wow, that was a great read.  I, myself have never experienced anything like that ever before in my life.  I have a strange feeling you already know what I'm about to say about all this, but it's important for me to write anyway.  It seems like what you guys had here was a classic case of a lack of communication.  It's strange these days.  There are dozens of ways to communicate, yet the things we truly mean to say are never said.  It also seems that you guys were looking for something more mature, ahead of all the high school bullshit, but neither of you were mature enough to handle each other in your lives.  The moral of the story is, don't have high standards, because by the time you realize you've found someone you really like, it may be too late.  And trying to get her back will just leave you flat on your face.  Unfortunately, there's no way in hell I'd change my standards.  Call me a hypocrite.  The more expensive napkin that you've always wanted is always worth every penny, even if you're in debt.  So now it's a question of how you're going to learn and grow from this.  I feel like I can understand everything you're thinking.  Everyone seems to be telling you to just move on that when it actually begins to happen, you can't help but look back and see what you've lost...


  

Quote of the day:
"In our lives, we are defined by our opportunities... Even the ones we miss."
~Benjamin Button

Aghh, I've always been confident around girls...but around relationships, I'm such a sweetheart sap. :\

The Napkin Dilemma

Posted: 03 March 2009 by Brian in
0

What I'm about to write about deals with an inner self-conflict I've dealt with for a pretty long time.  I don't care about what you have to say about it, it's MY BLOG.  But to put this issue in ways people can easily understand, I've used napkins as the metaphor.  Pay close attention to my wording.  Are you ready?  Behold, the Napkin Dilemma.

This
 
or
 
That?

First of all, you love napkins.  You treat napkins with respect and care very much for napkins.   You don't really need napkins to live your life, but you'd prefer to have one around once and a while.  So you're at the store, and you're faced with a decision on which napkins to buy.  There's a stack of napkins, but you're unsure whether to buy them or not.  This stack of napkins is easy to find and they're very common. They can fulfill physical needs if you really wanted them to. Furthermore, the napkins are very affordable; it's almost as though the napkins themselves want you to buy them.  The only thing holding you back from buying these napkins is the possibility of finding another, rarer napkin. Not a stack, but just a single napkin that fulfills everything you'd want from a napkin. However, the napkin is not very affordable, and even if it's worth it, the napkin itself may not want you to buy it.  It would feel like you'd take the best care of this particular napkin, while you'd just be living a lie with each and every one from the stack of napkins.  So which do you choose?  Keep in mind that you're a classy kind of person, and that you have very high standards for napkins. Do you lower your standards to try out the always-there stack of napkins, and use them one by one?  Or do you wait around for the napkin you've always wanted?


Quote of the day:
"When you are courting a nice girl, an hour seems like a second.  When you sit on a red-hot cinder, a second seems like an hour.  That's relativity." ~Albert Einstein

I find it funny how quickly this quarter's gone by.  It's already week 9 and we'll be on spring break really soon.  In what seems like a direct contrast to what Einstein said, when you're busy, everything passes you by.  The hours turn into days, the days turn into weeks, and the weeks turn into months.  Pretty soon you've found yourself at the end without knowing how you got there.  But when you have something special in your life, time seems to slow down.  You actually take the time to make memories.