To be or not to be...

For most of this summer, I haven’t been able to sleep for most nights. I lie down at around 11, and I’m awake until about 2 or sometimes 3 in the morning.  I’m severely anxious.  It’s like every night I’m playing staring contests with my ceiling; I’m tossing and turning, rolling around for a comfortable position that I can’t seem to find. But more than anything, I’m thinking, thinking, thinking.  During the day, I distract myself in front of the computer or the TV, but when it comes time for bed, I actually dread it.  At night, I’m most alone with my thoughts.  An anxiety comes over me.  My heart beats a million miles an hour, and thoughts go warp-speed through my mind, seemingly racing my heartbeat.  Every night is a trip down the dark alleyways of my life.  I can’t help but think about how I’m a big believer in the idea that everything happens for a reason.  But at this point in my life, I’m having trouble finding the reasons.  While I think this, I tell myself that even if I don’t know the reasons, everything that has happened has made me into a stronger person; everything has made me exactly who I am today.  But I’m tired of that.  I want to know why I’ve never really gotten anything I’ve truly wanted.  Or maybe I don’t even want to know why, I just want something in return for what I’ve lost; I want something just as good to compensate for the things I’ve wanted so badly but never could have.  I fear that my future is only full of more of disappointments.

Sometimes I think of myself as an old man.  I feel more mature and emotionally secure than any of my peers, to the point where I don’t relate to people who are out all the time having fun.  Why?  Am I so driven that I won’t let petty distractions possibly hinder my success? Am I unusually determined to succeed amidst failure?  Or am I just a snob?  I feel like a guy who has been tried and tested, and I’ve learned from my mistakes and my experiences.  But why haven’t I come out with anything to show for it?  Why haven’t I succeeded yet, in so many aspects?  I fear that I may have too many more mistakes and experiences to still learn from.

In thinking about how everything happens for a reason, I also think about what is ‘meant to be’.  I feel like I hear that phrase a lot these days.  When people say the expression, they point out that in their situation, any number of things could have derailed their course, but it’s as if the universe aligned correctly and the heavens smiled down and let them prosper.  I hear the phrase used to describe happy, successful achievements.  But is there a ‘not meant to be’?  By saying that some things are meant to be, aren’t you implying that some things are not?  If something does not happen, isn’t it meant to be that it did not happen?  Read that last sentence one more time.  Read it twice more.  Let it sink in.  Understand it.  The answer is yes to that question.  A bad thing could be meant to be just as much as a good thing.  People have a hard time with this, because we feel that the things we want will have a positive effect on our lives.  It seems impossible that not getting what we want could also have a positive effect on our lives.  In the times when nothing seems to work and you’re not getting what you want, in times when you’re the one suffering, it’s easy to think that it’s you’re fault, that you screwed your life up all by yourself.  It feels like the universe will never align correctly or the heavens will never smile upon you.  But sometimes, it’s meant to be that you don’t succeed, so that you’ll succeed in something else, somewhere down the road, through the alleyway.  I fear that I’m wrong and that everything is a coincidence; I fear that everything I’ve gone through has no meaning, and that it’s all just been my fault.  I fear that for me, what I want may not be meant to be.

P.S. If I’m so mature, am I naïve to think that some things are meant to be?  Does growing up mean forgetting about your hopes for a fairytale ending, and only approaching life as a realist?

The root of my anxiety lies in not being able to get what I want for my life right now, despite any of my efforts.  I'm afraid that I will continue not getting what I want for the future, and I feel discouraged to work towards anything.

There.  Without mentioning any specifics about what's going on in my life, I've actually rationalized my rationale... I feel a bit better.

Quotes of the Day:

"It was right then that I started thinking about Thomas Jefferson, the Declaration of Independence, and the part about our right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.  I remember thinking, 'how did he know to put the pursuit part in there?' That maybe happiness is something that we can only pursue, and maybe we can actually never have it, no matter what.  How did he know that?" 

~Christopher Gardner, The Pursuit of Happyness

When things are bad, we take comfort in the thought that they could always get worse. And when they are, we find hope in the thought that things are so bad they have to get better.

~Malcom Forbes

Dear Basketball,

We’ve known each other for quite some time now. I was first introduced to you when I was three years old, right when we moved to our new home near Eagle Rock. You seemed just as young back then, coming to me in the form of a six-foot tall Fisher Price court. At the time, I had no idea about your storied history. I barely even knew your name. I only heard about you on Sundays, attending my dad’s Pac Rim games, or during the times when I would sit with my dad as we watched some gold team run around on TV. Little did I know that there would be countless hours spent with my dad in our tiny backyard as he showed me how to dance with you.

I’ve always heard the saying that sports don’t build character, they reveal it. But it’s only now that I’m a little older that I’ve come to understand the meaning of the axiom. With you being a metaphor for life, I’m beginning to realize that even as a young kid, you showed me and showed the world the one personality characteristic that is both my greatest strength and my greatest weakness. I’m beginning to learn that ever since I was young, I’ve always been an extremely driven and determined individual.

When I was six years old, my parents put me in a league that my dad’s friend set up. There were only two teams, a red team that was older than a blue team, and we played against each other every Saturday. Every game was a battle. But my blue team, the younger team, lost every single one. There would even be a championship game at the end of the season, and for two seasons in a row, we lost every game including the championship game. I remember crying after some games; I wanted that trophy so badly. But I also remember playing in my backyard every single day of the week, just for the Saturday games. I didn’t understand you back then. I didn’t understand the work it would take to be great. I learned quickly. But we still lost every game, and everyone’s parents began to feel sorry for me. Here was a little boy, pouring out his heart and soul into every game, and then I’d leave the gym quiet, holding back tears. They tried giving me a consolation prize, the only kid to get one from my team, but I refused it. They even asked me and the other two captains, Matt and Jayson, to join the red team. I told them ‘no’ right away, but Matt switched to the red, and Jayson played one game against me but came back because he felt sorry for me. To this day, I don’t know why I didn’t switch; I was so tired of losing. Something in me fully embraced the challenge of bringing the blue team to glory. Something in me would not give up for anything. I played just two games in the third season before my parents pulled me out because they were tired of seeing me upset. I later found out that my blue team won that championship game that year. I would get the trophy that I had wanted more than anything for two years, in the mail. It still sits in my room, “Speedy Oil Youth League Champions 1998”, meaningless.

I say that this competitive passion to endure that you’ve shown me has been my greatest strength, but it’s also been my greatest weakness. The passion and ambition to be great has sometimes put me on my own lonely island. And sometimes, in my determination, I get too caught up and I overlook other things that are important to me. My hunger has been an attribute that few people have understood about me.

I became most close to you when I came to St. Dominic at that same age. I began to go out to see you everyday at recess and lunch for 5 on 5 half-court games. I would be the captain of one team, and a kid named Andre was always the captain of the other. He would pick JC first, and then Michael second, and then we’d play for fifteen-minutes. And somehow, someway, they would always win. I would lose everyday, twice a day. It helped that they were the three best players at the time, and they always ended up on the same team. I remember getting the first pick one time, only to watch in horror as JC actually gave the ball to the other team every time. I was always frustrated. I was frustrated for myself and my teammates; no matter what we did, we would never win. I yelled at teammates who would lose the ball or miss a shot. There would be games when I wouldn’t pass to anyone just because I only trusted myself. To add insult to injury, Andre loved to talk and poke fun at my frustration and my serious approach to these pick up games. JC and Michael didn’t respect me. Some teammates were afraid to play with me, and then would join in the trash talking when they’d play for the other team. Kids can be cruel that way. Nobody seemed to like me. Nobody understood me. I had very few friends then, and I remember going home and finishing my homework quickly just so that I could go outside and practice. But for every day from second grade to fourth grade, I would play during every recess and lunch, and I don’t think I won a single fifteen-minute game. Now that I’m older, I’m realizing how different people are, and I’m learning how different I must’ve been. How did I have this incredible will? I didn’t understand why my teammates didn’t have this same burning desire for success. With the way that we always lost, most seven year olds would have quit—in fact, some of my teammates did—but I never would. There were times when I’d play already knowing my team would lose, but I consistently went out and gave it everything I got every time. I didn’t know it at the time, but looking back at it now, I was a very different kind of little kid.

And then, you smiled upon me and blessed me with success. In 5^th grade my dad coached the team. Respect for me became a requirement. I remember JC and Andre coming up to me to ask me if they made the team, and I remember thinking, “they’re really talking to me.” For the next four years I began to have fun playing with you, and my popularity only grew and grew. I was team captain, starting shooting guard. There were no longer any arguments or trash talk during recess or lunch. The game was pure, and I kept working hard throughout the years and over the summers to keep team success. By 8^th grade, our class was united. I had embraced everyone as a friend, and everyone had finally embraced me. The only argument people had was, “Who was the best basketball player in the school, JC or Brian?” and I loved it. JC and I never talked about it ourselves, just out of respect for each other, but even our P.E. teacher got into it and had us play one-on-one during one class. I got my butt kicked. The truth is, that rivalry drove me to work to become a better player. I took whatever people said against me as a challenge. Every little thing was fuel for me to keep practicing. I like to think that it drove JC to practice hard too. No matter what, we were better as a team, and we won 10 out of 12 games that year and went to the playoffs—a very successful season for the Saints.

But in that 8^th grade summer going into high school, I neglected you. I held someone else more important, and stupidly assumed I could easily enjoy the same success in high school. I made the first cut for tryouts, but then I was cut after that. I got into my dad’s car, told him I didn’t make it, and a single tear streamed down my face. After that, I knew I never wanted to feel that way again. I worked extremely hard that summer. I sacrificed everything and made it a point to see you every single day. I even got to know your cousins, ‘Running’, and ‘Lifting’, and I saw them during the week as well. It was here that I learned that I’m the type of person, that if I want something bad enough, I’ll do whatever it takes for however long it takes in order to get it. I was at my best with you. People at the park would marvel at the shots I’d hit in their faces, or the passes I’d make in between defenders. JC had made his high school team and I challenged him to one-on-one that summer, and this time, I beat him convincingly. I was bitter, and I worked so hard to try and win you back. But life being the way that it is, I tried out my sophomore year, and I was told that I was good enough to make the team, but there aren’t enough spots. I was heartbroken. Because when I was young, and I needed someone to lean on, someone I could trust, someone that seemed to understand me, I always went to you. You were a sanctuary for me whenever it felt like the world was against me, and then it was like you were gone. I did absolutely everything I could, and it still wasn’t enough. Over the next two summers, I’d still practice and improve, but now not as hard. I’d go into tryouts and already know I wouldn’t make it, and I’d hear variations of “good enough, but not enough spots”. I would play for two more teams, one in my sophomore year and one in my senior year, and I’d win a total of 4 games from both teams. You had left me, and it seemed like no matter what I did, we just weren’t meant to be.

Now it’s as though we’re both making an effort to be friends. I watch you on TV or read about you any chance I get these days, and I respect you more than ever. I’ll always remember how we bumped in to each other when Kraig, Michael, and David re-introduced you and I. It was awkward, and we had a tough season, but ultimately you’ve given me the confidence to trust in you again. And by winning a championship on this Pac Rim team, you’ve reminded me just how good of a friend you can be.

I guess what I’m trying to say here is a thanks, basketball. Thank you for my father, mother, and sister. Thank you for the Speedy Oil Youth League, the blue team, the red team, and Matt and Jayson. Thank you for St. Dominic’s, Saints’ Basketball, Andre, JC, Mike, and all of my life-long friends. Thank you for the respect I’ve been given. Thank you for the confidence you’ve given me. Thank you for every teammate I’ve ever had. Thank you for Coach Thomason, Coach Adams, and everyone else who also said I couldn’t. Thank you for letting me meet Loyola Track & Field. Thank you for Ice Water, and for Kraig and David. Thank you for the love of shoes and for the love of hip-hop. Thank you so much for Inside Moves and Tito Ricky. Thank you for idols to look up to and personalities I can identify with, in Michael Jordan and then in Kobe Bryant. Thank you for the Lakers.

More than anything, thank you for letting me get to know myself. The best relationships are the ones in which you learn about who you really are, and in doing so, you learn about life. You’ve definitely done that for me. You were my best friend when I had none. You were my refuge when no one understood me. And when people started to understand me, even though I’ll never fully understand what you did, you gave me my space to grow on my own. Thank you for showing me that it’s ok to never give up. Thank you for showing me what it means to work hard. Thank you for teaching me that falling is a part of life, and that getting back up is a way of life.

The only thing in my life right now that I know is true is that I love you, basketball. And coming from a man who hasn’t loved much besides himself and his family, it means a lot for me to say that. You have given me the confidence to take on any challenge. You’ve always been there for me, and you’ve shown me what it takes to succeed. And because of you, I know that no matter how difficult the journey, no matter how long it’s going to take, and no matter how many obstacles are in my way, I will have the strength, passion, and courage to remain driven.

Much love and respect,

Brian Paggao

Quote of the Day:

"What is love? Love is playing every game as if it's your last."

~Michael Jordan

With the tributes starting to come around as His Airness takes his rightful throne in the HOF, I thought I'd put my version of a tribute in a little early.

I don't wanna get into specifics, but weird dream last night...

So I just got back from my family’s vacation to Hawaii, and it was a really good trip.  While most people stay in Waikiki or Honolulu on the island of Oahu, we stayed in Waikoloa, on the big island.  It was cool, much more provincial, with small towns that were at least a half-hour’s drive away from each other.  My parents have this cool time-share, so we stayed in a huge “hotel room” that had two bedrooms, two bathrooms, a full kitchen, a living room, and a dining room.  Yeah, it was pretty much a small apartment, and the kitchen/washing machines helped us save a lot of money. 

The weather was nice; it was hot, but manageable.  We spent nearly everyday in the pool or on the beach.  The pool was at the hotel (we were at the condo buildings), but we could use their facilities for free.  And man, this was the biggest pool I had ever seen.  It had three bridges to get across it, waterfalls, and a water slide.  In addition to the pool, the hotel has a lagoon area that lets water in right from the ocean (which is right next to the pool, by the way).  So there was this lake right in the middle, where you could rent canoes and aquabikes and snorkels and stuff.  It was a ton of fun, and it’s needless to say that I’m significantly darker.

We also had the privilege of swimming with dolphins and watching them do tricks.  We even got to kiss the dolphin, right on the lips.  I wasn’t really feeling it, but let’s just say that I think I’ve got somebody in Hawaii who’s really going to miss me, hahaha.  We did some hiking down a mountain to a black-sand beach, which was pretty fascinating and different, seeing a beach like that.  The sand comes from broken down lava rock.  When the lava hits the water, the mix of that hot and cold shatters the drying lava into sand.  We also got to see the active volcano (which was pretty much just steam) and we got to do some lava rock hiking to be able to see from afar, lava flowing into the ocean (which from our view, was just steam).

So overall, it was an excellent trip, and we took home a ton of shortbread cookies, macadamia nuts, and Kona coffee to prove it.  The only thing disappointing was that because it was more provincial and less city-like, I saw a bunch of tourists and not very many locals.  By locals, I mean the mixed Asian girls you all know I like, haha.  But it was really good to get away from my thoughts for a bit to try to relax and hang loose (can I say that with no pun intended?).  I was actually really bummed out to be coming back.  I watched the beautiful rows of lights from the plane window as we were landing, and it just seemed like all my thoughts had punched me in the face.  Life is real again.  Aloha, indeed.

A picture of the pool, stolen from flickr.

It was 7:55 AM this past Monday morning when my wonderful cousin, Taylor decided to wake me up.  7:55 AM, 5 minutes before my alarm.  Monday, the day I was supposed to take Taylor to the train station so that she could get back home to San Diego.  “I have to leave a little earlier today”, Taylor said.  Little did I know what that would really entail.  Still groggy from the ‘My Sassy Girl’ viewing session that had just ended only hours before, I laid in bed for a few minutes longer until I decided to get up, at which point I progressed at a snail’s pace as I brushed my teeth and got dressed.  It was 8:30 by the time we got around to leaving—for breakfast.  You see, Taylor had to be on a 9:40 train from Union Station in downtown Los Angeles in order to make it to Oceanside by 11:00 so that her mom could pick her up. Thinking that downtown was only about 20 minutes away from Pasadena, I figured we had tons of time.  It was 8:36 when we got to Corner Bakery & Café.  It being Taylor’s first visit there and my first visit in a very long time, we didn’t know what to order.  So we spent some time mulling over the menu, finally deciding to order two bowls of Chilled Berry Almond Swiss Oatmeal, an orange juice, and a chai cappuccino from the dorky, too-happy-for-a-Monday-morning cashier.  We also spent some time arguing about how I should pay, an argument I lost.  We decided to sit outside, which took the server a couple seconds longer to find us and to give us our food.  Upon the food’s arrival, Taylor’s chai cappuccino wasn’t ready yet, so instead of eating her food right away, she went inside to check on it.  Sure enough, the cashier did have too much of an easygoing attitude, and only began preparing Taylor’s drink when she saw her.  Now the table we had been sitting at had uneven legs, causing it to wobble back and forth.  I put my foot on one leg to weigh it down, but in the middle of the meal, I accidentally lifted my foot, which resulted in Taylor’s chai cappuccino spilling on the table, and us having to clean it up.  At the end of the meal, we both realized I had forgotten to give her the movies she had wanted from my flash drive, so we opened her laptop and waited for it to boot before ultimately deciding that we’d transfer the files in the car.  It was about 9:05 when we left for the station, and with traffic lax and me thinking that we’d still get there with plenty of time to spare, I drove a little more leisurely than usual.  At 9:35 and a block away from the station I learned that she still had to print out her ticket, so I dropped her off with her bag still in my trunk.  She went to one kiosk, which failed to print her ticket, and then another, which also failed, before she went to the counter, to another easygoing person whose printer was also not working.  And if only one thing had happened differently… If that ticket kiosk had printed right away… If I had driven just a little faster… If we hadn’t waited for that laptop to boot before deciding it would take too long… If I hadn’t lifted my foot from that uneven table leg and spilled her drink… If Taylor’s drink had been prepared right away because the cashier had been attentive… If it hadn’t taken us so long to order and pay… If I hadn’t been so slow to get ready and I had been able to wake up a little earlier after a late night... then Taylor would have been on her train headed for Oceanside with her mom waiting to pick her up.  But life being what it is, a series of intersecting lines and incidents out of anyone’s control, Taylor got her ticket at 9:42 and ran for the platform, only to learn that the train had left her.

What ensued was probably one of the most stressful days I’ve ever lived through. 

PART 1

Calling my dad to get yelled at and to figure out what to do, getting gas, having my phone die, deciding to drive all the way to San Diego, picking up Amanda from school, and going back home to get my phone charger.

PART 2

Calling Taylor’s mom, who told us to just take the later train instead of drive all the way there, realizing it’d be too late to drive back to Union Station, speeding to the Fullerton station only to be late by 5 minutes, being 10 minutes early to the Irvine station, only to spend 10 minutes looking for the station on the street it was supposed to be on.  All this while getting calls from my parents who felt that it was a good time to lecture me while I was driving, and also while periodically calling or texting Josh who was on the Internet feeding us directions to the stations.

EPILOGUE

I drove all the way to Taylor’s house, eventually getting there at about 1:00 PM.  Her mom was able to get to work on time, I was able to drive a little less stressed, and my parents were a mix of disappointed and pissed off.  Hanging out for a while, I left at about 3:00 to hit traffic in Pomona (there’s just nothing positive I have to say about that city).  I got home at about 5:30 but immediately had to take Amanda to basketball practice.  I was home and lying down at 5:45, still feeling my heart beating quickly from the adrenaline binge I had gone through.  With my dad home at 6:00, he had me pull weeds in the front for two hours, and has since had me doing manual labor around the house all week.  I got lectured and got yelled at about responsibility and unnecessary gas and bad impressions and how this always happens and how my time management needs to improve.  I understand, it was my fault alone, but I had heard all this while I was driving.  Hearing it again at the dinner table was just overkill.  Actually, if you want to talk about excess and overkill, in addition to the manual labor, I’m now not allowed to sleep in past 8AM and for some reason they’re not allowing me to play in my basketball game this Sunday.  They’re all consequences, but I’ll get through, I don’t care.  I screwed up and I did what I had to do—there was no other way around it.

Overall, I loved Taylor’s visit; we had a ton of fun.  Thursday, Venice Beach with Gianina by day, ‘Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind’ at night.  Friday, bowling in the afternoon, family party at night.  Saturday, the Funk Rumble Block Party in Chinatown, ‘Public Enemies’ at the Americana with Josh, and a visit to a nice view.  Sunday, my back-to-back basketball games, and then night swimming, stargazing, and ‘My Sassy Girl’.  Ahh, the difference a car makes.  It was also just really good for me to have Taylor around to talk to.  I have to admit, I had been feeling a little lonely and lost without purpose for a while, and even though those feelings haven’t really gone away, it was good to get away from it all while also being able to talk about it with someone as intelligent and contemplative as Taylor.  Here’s to the best cousin ever, and to one of the most amazing people I know.  Hopefully your next visit is as Ethiopian utopian as this one! :)

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