To be or not to be...

For most of this summer, I haven’t been able to sleep for most nights. I lie down at around 11, and I’m awake until about 2 or sometimes 3 in the morning.  I’m severely anxious.  It’s like every night I’m playing staring contests with my ceiling; I’m tossing and turning, rolling around for a comfortable position that I can’t seem to find. But more than anything, I’m thinking, thinking, thinking.  During the day, I distract myself in front of the computer or the TV, but when it comes time for bed, I actually dread it.  At night, I’m most alone with my thoughts.  An anxiety comes over me.  My heart beats a million miles an hour, and thoughts go warp-speed through my mind, seemingly racing my heartbeat.  Every night is a trip down the dark alleyways of my life.  I can’t help but think about how I’m a big believer in the idea that everything happens for a reason.  But at this point in my life, I’m having trouble finding the reasons.  While I think this, I tell myself that even if I don’t know the reasons, everything that has happened has made me into a stronger person; everything has made me exactly who I am today.  But I’m tired of that.  I want to know why I’ve never really gotten anything I’ve truly wanted.  Or maybe I don’t even want to know why, I just want something in return for what I’ve lost; I want something just as good to compensate for the things I’ve wanted so badly but never could have.  I fear that my future is only full of more of disappointments.

Sometimes I think of myself as an old man.  I feel more mature and emotionally secure than any of my peers, to the point where I don’t relate to people who are out all the time having fun.  Why?  Am I so driven that I won’t let petty distractions possibly hinder my success? Am I unusually determined to succeed amidst failure?  Or am I just a snob?  I feel like a guy who has been tried and tested, and I’ve learned from my mistakes and my experiences.  But why haven’t I come out with anything to show for it?  Why haven’t I succeeded yet, in so many aspects?  I fear that I may have too many more mistakes and experiences to still learn from.

In thinking about how everything happens for a reason, I also think about what is ‘meant to be’.  I feel like I hear that phrase a lot these days.  When people say the expression, they point out that in their situation, any number of things could have derailed their course, but it’s as if the universe aligned correctly and the heavens smiled down and let them prosper.  I hear the phrase used to describe happy, successful achievements.  But is there a ‘not meant to be’?  By saying that some things are meant to be, aren’t you implying that some things are not?  If something does not happen, isn’t it meant to be that it did not happen?  Read that last sentence one more time.  Read it twice more.  Let it sink in.  Understand it.  The answer is yes to that question.  A bad thing could be meant to be just as much as a good thing.  People have a hard time with this, because we feel that the things we want will have a positive effect on our lives.  It seems impossible that not getting what we want could also have a positive effect on our lives.  In the times when nothing seems to work and you’re not getting what you want, in times when you’re the one suffering, it’s easy to think that it’s you’re fault, that you screwed your life up all by yourself.  It feels like the universe will never align correctly or the heavens will never smile upon you.  But sometimes, it’s meant to be that you don’t succeed, so that you’ll succeed in something else, somewhere down the road, through the alleyway.  I fear that I’m wrong and that everything is a coincidence; I fear that everything I’ve gone through has no meaning, and that it’s all just been my fault.  I fear that for me, what I want may not be meant to be.

P.S. If I’m so mature, am I naïve to think that some things are meant to be?  Does growing up mean forgetting about your hopes for a fairytale ending, and only approaching life as a realist?

The root of my anxiety lies in not being able to get what I want for my life right now, despite any of my efforts.  I'm afraid that I will continue not getting what I want for the future, and I feel discouraged to work towards anything.

There.  Without mentioning any specifics about what's going on in my life, I've actually rationalized my rationale... I feel a bit better.

Quotes of the Day:

"It was right then that I started thinking about Thomas Jefferson, the Declaration of Independence, and the part about our right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.  I remember thinking, 'how did he know to put the pursuit part in there?' That maybe happiness is something that we can only pursue, and maybe we can actually never have it, no matter what.  How did he know that?" 

~Christopher Gardner, The Pursuit of Happyness

When things are bad, we take comfort in the thought that they could always get worse. And when they are, we find hope in the thought that things are so bad they have to get better.

~Malcom Forbes